Timelooping Tinker
by Thinker6
Summary: Oh no! The supergenius bomb tinker Bakuda has been trapped in an endless recursion of time! But don't despair, boys and girls! Blasting out of a piddling temporal anomaly will be child's play for the most explosive woman in the world! How hard could it be? (This is a totally insane humor crack fic, completely unlike my other long stories.)
1. Bakuda vs Lung!

Bakuda stared at Lung in disbelief. He wanted to _kill_ her, his only ally in the Birdcage, just to make the other villains see what a scary nutjob he was.

Crazy bastard. But she'd make him pay for underestimating her.

Bakuda flicked her arm, and an arrangement of bedsprings and twisted scrap metal dropped from her sleeve into her open hand. "I'll punch a hole in the outside of the cell if you come any closer. Air flows out of the room, door seals shut, we both suffocate."

"You are not fast enough."

"Wanna bet?"

He did.

* * *

...

Bakuda felt the brush of cool air on her skin. A cacophany of sound swelled around her. Footsteps, voices, rustling of papers. The sounds of a college classroom going out of session.

She was alive?

She opened her eyes. In front of her was a corkboard with a single sheet of paper pinned in the center. The score listings for her quantum physics course at Cornell. The final exam.

 _That_ final exam.

Oh fucking hell no.

She wasn't alive. She was dead. And this was hell.

"Oooh, look at this. 'Grace the Ace' got fifth place on the final. That gives her, what, a B minus for the semester?"

"Heh. Guess ten hours of studying a day isn't a substitute for talent."

"I know! Seriously! I _told_ miss high school valedictorian, it takes more than hard work to make it in the big leagues. You need at least a glimmer of actual _intelligence-_."

Bakuda spun a hundred and eighty degrees and decked 'Ginny the Genuis' in the face. The pudgy pissant squawked and tumbled to the ground, a trickle of blood leaking from one nostril.

The bustle of students gave way to a deathly silence.

Bakuda glared at the other students, daring them to make a move. She didn't understand how she was alive, how she was back at Cornell during her trigger event, or how she had apparently, improbably, gone _back in time._ But she did understand one thing.

She was _Bakuda_. The greatest bomb expert in the world. And if this was hell, she was going to show the devil the true meaning of fucking _hellfire_.

Bakuda turned to her old rival, still sprawled on the floor in shock.

"Run, little girl." she hissed. "You have _no idea_ how lucky you are that I have bigger fish to fry."

She licked her lips. "And incinerate. And disintegrate. And implode. And warp into twisted parodies of nature. And overload their nervous systems with ultimate agony and lock them that way forever, preserved in an endless, frozen moment of time. Ahahahahahaha!"

Bakuda turned on her heel and stalked out of the physics department, making her way to engineering. Had to whip up a few HE and stun grenades, so she could hold off security while she turned the high energy synchrotron into something _useful_.

As she walked, she noticed that she had a thin strip of white tickertape paper clutched in her left hand. She untangled the paper from her fingers and smoothed out the wrinkles. There was a message, printed in plain black and white lettering.

PATHETIC. GANKED BY LUNG LIKE A CHUMP. TRY HARDER THIS TIME.

A message from her future self?

The epiphany set her mind on fire, and sent her thoughts into overdrive. That was the only explanation. Her very existence, here and now, was proof of Lipschitz's multiple-worlds theory. One of her alternate future selves must have made a device that triggered on her past self's death and transplanted her mind into a new body in the endless sea of nearly identical alternate worlds.

Truly amazing. A supreme masterwork of a device. And what did her supergenius future self do with her real ultimate power?

Send her condescending motivational messages filled with snarky bullshit.

PATHETIC. GANKED BY LUNG LIKE A CHUMP. TRY HARDER THIS TIME.

Bakuda gritted her teeth. Well you know what? Fuck that, and fuck her. No one mocked her and got away with it. Not even herself. She'd show that bitch who was boss.

...

Lung inspected the small metal capsule. "These will allow my soldiers to defeat the Empire brutes? Hookwolf, Fenja, and Menja?"

Bakuda grinned behind her gas mask. "Yeah, like this!"

She leaped out the window and jammed her thumb on the detonator. The building turned into a pillar of flame, molten fragments of brick and mortar pouring into the street, a miniature flow of lava.

She backed off a safe distance and lay on the sidewalk, watching the fireworks, laughing and laughing and laughing.

"Take that you traitor motherfucker! Not so tough after all! You made Leviathan your bitch and I made you mine. Guess what? That makes me the queen bitch of Brockton Bay from now on!"

Wait. There was movement in the blast zone. A massive metal clad monster rose from the lava, wreathed in living flame. It caught sight of Bakuda and roared in triumph.

Well, fuck.

* * *

AMAZING. GANKED BY LUNG IN THREE HOURS INSTEAD OF THREE MONTHS. YOUR STUNNING IMPROVEMENT IN EFFICIENCY IS TRULY THE HALLMARK OF A GENIUS.

Bakuda crushed the tickertape in her hand.

...

Lung inspected the small metal capsule. "My soldiers can use these to-"

Bakuda grinned behind her gas mask. "Yeah, like this!"

She leaped out the window and jammed her thumb on the detonator. The building _pulsed_ , its shape warping and squirming and expanding. Within seconds the transformation was complete. The building was now a twisted nest of millions of inch-wide, tube-like tunnels, interlinking in elaborate, sanity-defying violations of geometry that would make MC Escher weep.

Bakuda jumped up and down and clapped her hands with glee.

"Take that you brainless brute! Do you even comprehend what I've done to you? Reshaped you into a five hundred foot long tapeworm, paralyzed and trapped in an infinite maze till you starve to death! Ahahahahaha!"

Bakuda laughed and laughed and laughed. She was a _genius_ , and Vista's power was _awesome_. The month she spent taking readings of the girl's power were well worth it. She'd have to buy her a beer. Oh, wait, shit, Vista was underage. What did the tyke drink for fun, anyway? Orange juice? Kool aid? She hadn't really paid attention during her stakeouts-

There was movement in the blast zone. Segments of the tubes melted and a sinuous, flame-wreathed shape rose into view. The five hundred foot long, inch wide dragon caught sight of Bakuda and gave a squeaky, high-pitched roar of triumph.

Well, fuck.

* * *

OH MY FUCKING GOD. SELF-INFLICTED DEATH BY TAPEWORM LUNG. YOU'RE SO INCOMPETENT IT'S ACTUALLY KIND OF AWESOME.

Bakuda crushed the tickertape in her hand. This meant war.

...

Lung inspected the small metal capsule. "My soldiers can-"

Bakuda scowled. "Die, motherfucker, die!"

The air around her shimmered. A protective effect, a shield bubble just large enough to cover her body.

Then the world turned gray.

Five minutes later, the dust began to settle. The _dust_. Three full city blocks around her had been transmuted into a mass of fine, gray dust. The buildings, the cars, the people. Everything.

Bakuda disengaged her shield bubble and surveyed the results of her handiwork. Then she grinned. She whooped, she cried, and laughed and laughed and laughed.

"Yes! Hell yes!" shouted Bakuda. "That's what you get, you son of a bitch! I fucking killed you! You're dead! You're gone! You're _dust!_ Ahahahahahahahaha!"

A man in a blue bodysuit appeared at her side in a blur of motion. One of the local capes. What was his name? Velocity?

"Impressive." said the man. "You did this?"

"Yes! It's a transmutation effect that mimics exposure to ultrasharp nanomechanical blades. Tears apart matter, molecules, _everything_. Just the basic effect took me a month of secret readings of Armsmaster's tech. Now, normally that would have a limited area effect, just a few inches wide, but I found a way to use the dust expansion from each transmutation as a power source for the next, set them up in a daisy chain. Pretty cool, eh?"

"Very cool." said the man with a smile. "I have a question, though."

"Of course! Go ahead, shoot, ask me anything."

"MurdererWhoGotArrestedAndBirdcagedBecauseSheStayedToGloatSaysWhat?"

"What?" she said.

And then she was encased in a ball of containment foam.

Well, fuck.

* * *

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING? NO, I DON'T. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...IDIOT.

Bakuda crushed the tickertape in her hand.

She had failed again. Failed _again_. Caught up in her moment of greatest triumph, she had failed in the most stupid, idiotic, pathetic possible way. Her future self was right. She was an idiot, such an idiot-

Bakuda's mind snapped.

No. _No._ That hadn't been her. That was her _past_ self who failed. Idiot, gloating like a moron and getting foamed like a fool. A disgrace to the name Bakuda. She deserved everything she got.

Her _current_ self? She was better. Stronger. Smarter. Smart enough to learn from the mistakes of others. She was sure as hell not going to make _that_ idiotic mistake ever again.

That did it. She swore on her pride as a tinker. She was going to kill Lung, and travel the world stealing tech from all the best tinkers, and make her _own_ Device, and transplant herself into her future self's world, and knock that stuck-up bitch flat on her ass.

And then she was going to use her Device to troll the shit out of her idiotic past selves, for being such pathetic disgraces to the name Bakuda.

Bakuda grinned. Her path would be long and hard, but her victory was inevitable. She was a fucking genius, and she had infinite tries.

How hard could it be?


	2. Bakuda's New Plan!

\- Time loop #135 -

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? YOU SERIOUSLY THOUGHT YOU COULD OUT-PLAN AN ARMY OF EVIL ACCORD CLONES? I'M SPEECHLESS. I'M THE GREATEST TINKER IN THE WORLD AND EVEN I CAN'T THINK OF A PHRASE TO DESCRIBE YOUR INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY. ... ... ...OH WAIT, THAT'S A GOOD ONE. _INCREDIBLE STUPIDITY_. TRY HARDER NEXT TIME.

Bakuda crumpled the tickertape message in her hand. Her future self could shut the hell up.

She swore that one day she'd make her future self pay. Ohhh yes she'd make her pay. She'd build her own Device, and break the time loop, and teleport into that arrogant bitch's reality, and shove an Infinite Agony Cocktail Bomb into her nasal cavity, and set it off with a smile on her face, and see the beautiful look of _understanding_ dawn in her eyes as the effect took hold...

Bakuda licked her lips. Her vengeance would be sweet, but that would all come in good time. Couldn't let herself get distracted. Had to focus on the plan.

Setting off Echidna in Boston had been one of her better ideas. Echidna distracted the heroes long enough that she could take over Brockton Bay without a fight and set up a nice base of operations to do her tinkering. As a nice bonus, she didn't have to deal with pesky Eidolon clones throwing a wrench in her plans.

The problem was dealing with Echidna's leftover army of Accord and Citrine clones. Nasty motherfuckers. They were a bitch to take down, especially the ones with the Breaker/Stranger version of Accord's power.

But she wasn't worried. The clone army had superpowered plans, but she was a motherfucking _genius_ , and her time loops gave her infinite tries. She'd kill the fuckers dead this time, for sure.

...

\- Time loop #136 -

AGAIN? DO YOU LIKE BEING KILLED BY A HUNDRED ELEGANTLY ARRANGED SPRING-LOADED GUILLOTINE BLADES? OR ARE YOU JUST THAT STUPID?

Bakuda crumpled the tickertape in her hand. She wasn't going to give up now. She'd show that bitch who was boss.

...

\- Time loop #137 -

HA HA HA HA HA. THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE AS YOU WERE ARTISTICALLY SLICED INTO SIXTY FOUR EQUAL PIECES WAS FUCKING PRICELESS. TRY AGAIN.

Bakuda crumpled the tickertape in her hand.

...

\- Time loop #138 -

AGAIN? ... ...WAIT, SHIT. ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE FREAKY MASOCHISTS WHO GETS OFF ON BEING KILLED IN NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS? OH MY GOD. IT EXPLAINS _SO MUCH_. YOU SICKEN ME.

Bakuda crumpled the tickertape in her hand. She was going to strangle that bitch if it was the last thing she did.

Fine. She'd take a mental health break from her risky experiments and spend a loop taking a safer path. She had a new strategy she wanted to try. A genius plan to take down Coil and nip the Echidna mess in the bud in one fell swoop.

...

 **The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - March 25**

I have big news today! I think I made a friend. Her name is Grace. She's a cape like me, and she's kind of amazing.

I left school early today. Sophia is still in intensive care after her unfortunate toaster accident (ouch!), but Emma and Madison tried to steal my backpack and almost got away with it. I was too upset to stay in school after that, so I decided to go to the park and practice my bug control.

And get this: after a few minutes, a woman came up to me out of the blue and said, "So Taylor, can you hear through your bugs yet?"

I should have denied everything, but I was so surprised I couldn't help myself. I stuttered out "H-how did you know I'm a cape?" She said she deduced that I was a cape because the bugs were acting strangely and I was at the center of the disturbances. Amazing. She's a genius.

(She said that straight away. "I'm Grace Phillips, aka Bakuda, aka the smartest motherfucking genius you'll ever see. Don't forget that and we'll get along fine." Between you and me, I wonder if she might be a little insane.)

I was embarrassed because she'd spotted me so easily. She picked up on it and pointed out that I was blushing like mad. I thought she was going to mock me like the bullies, but she just grinned and said that I was adorable when I wasn't cutting off people's body parts.

(Yeah, I know, creepy. I think that was her way of giving me a compliment? Like I said, she might be a little insane.)

The amazing thing is that we've only known each other for a day and Grace wants to make a team with me! She's asian but she's not in the ABB, she's vigilante who wants to take down all the villain gangs in the city (in her words, "all the brainless brutes who think they're hot stuff"). She's already figured out roughly where there bases are, and she wants my help to do the surveillance to help her plant her bombs.

Oh, that's right. I didn't mention it yet, but she's a tinker whose specialty is making super tech bombs. At first I was afraid of working with a cape whose main way of fighting is, well, blowing people up.

Turns out that won't be an issue - Grace is a pacifist! She said she's morally opposed to hurting people in any way, and her bombs are harmless, non-lethal munitions that knock people out. What a cool power! I wish my bugs were that convenient!

Grace also promised that her bombs definitely don't have any hidden debilitating side effects that would reveal themselves months later to the horror of everyone involved. Come to think of it, she was oddly specific about that point. She must be really conscientious about her pacifism, to test her bombs for long-term effects. I never did any tests like that with my insect stings!

This evening we went on our first mission as a team. We spied on an ABB base. Lung was there - my first time seeing a supervillain! We didn't attack him, though. Grace said we should wait until Oni Lee was there, too, and take them both out in one fell swoop. That way we don't leave an angry assassin on the loose gunning for revenge. Good thinking. If I was on my own, I probably would have tried to beat Lung by myself and gotten in big trouble!

Grace is really smart, and we make a good team. I can't believe I made a friend today and I got to be the co-founder of a superhero team! I can't wait to take down our first villain. Then I'll be a real hero!


	3. Bakuda and Weaver vs Brockton Bay!

**The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - March 30**

Today Grace and I took down our first supervillains!

We were doing our usual bug-stakeout of the ABB hideout, and we finally caught Lung and Oni Lee together at the same time.

After that, everything went like clockwork. I picked out a weakness in their defenses where we could toss in Grace's bombs through a window. Ten minutes later, the ABB capes and eighteen of their hoodlums were knocked out cold. Ten minutes after that, the Protectorate answered our anonymous call and took them into custody. Success!

Bakuda and Weaver: 1, Villains: 0.

Grace was a lot more ruthless than I expected for a pacifist. Lung was out cold, but she said his regeneration would clear the knockout gas from his bloodstream in seconds. So she started dropping more of her short-range 'knockout' bombs directly on top of him. His body started twitching like he was having a seizure, and then patches of his skin started to turn black and peel off.

I told Grace to stop, but she said it was necessary. I was conflicted for a few minutes but then I decided that she was right. We were doing it because we were heroes. It wasn't as if we were hurting Lung because we enjoyed it, taking sadistic glee in his pain.

Besides, Grace is a pacifist. She was only okay with hurting Lung because he'd regenerate his wounds. She wouldn't hurt anyone for real, right?

...

 **The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - April 26**

Today was the big day - Grace and I finally pulled off our coup de grace on the Empire!

We took down Krieg, Fenja, Menja and Hookwolf all in one strike. With Kaiser and Purity out of commission after their unfortunate tea cosy accident (ouch!), the Empire is now officially leaderless. Another blow struck for heroism and justice!

Being a hero is a lot more fun than I expected. I was afraid my cape life would be...intense. Life or death fights, blood feuds, relationship drama between teammates. I'd have to question my morals at every turn, become a hard woman making hard decisions, doing wrong things for the right reasons.

Thankfully being a cape isn't hard at all! My bugs and Grace's bombs make heroing a snap. I spy on the bad guys, then I send in her bug-toteable microbombs to knock them out, and bam! Easy as pie.

It makes me wonder why the official 'heroes' have so much trouble. After we called in the authorities this time, Grace assured me that we won't have to worry about the remnants of the Empire coming after us for vengeance. After all, I had given all my surveillance info to the PRT, and they'd surely call in their elite troopers and heroes and quickly mop up the rest of the Empire thugs. ... ... ...Ha ha ha! Grace actually said that with a straight face. We had a good laugh.

Seriously, fuck Armsmaster and the PRT, and their cops and robbers bullshit. They're a pack of incompetent fools and their 'high security' lockup is a fucking sieve. Yeah, they handled the ABB and Merchant capes okay, but if Faultline's Crew and the Undersiders break out of custody one more fucking time, I swear we're going to knock them out again, drive them cross-country, and hand-deliver them to Alexandria. A competent hero with something approaching a fucking clue.

(Huh. I think Grace's rant-language might be rubbing off on me. Then again, the PRT kind of are incompetent fools, so...meh.)

...

 **The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - May 2**

The good news: I finally found Coil's secret base with my bugs.

The bad news: he's got himself set up like a Bond villain. Way better security than I thought. Tons of mercenaries, motion sensors, laser guns, the works. Worst of all, I overheard him talking with a little girl named Dinah. She was scared and he kept pressuring her to tell him 'numbers'. I think he kidnapped her and he's holding her prisoner!

I told Grace we had to save Dinah, but she said we can't move on Coil until we have more info about his gang. She absolutely refused to go against him for the next two weeks. Two weeks! That poor girl!

I...well, I'm not proud to say it, but I got mad at Grace. I said some things I regret. Then Grace got madder than I'd ever seen her before, and she grabbed me by the collar and hissed at me like a demon, babbling nonsense about apocalypses.

"Don't you dare lecture me on the greater good you idealistic little brat. You know nothing. Do you want an army of evil clones to take over the northeast? An army that doesn't show itself for months, that grows in the shadows until it has hundreds of cloned capes and infiltrators in all the major cities? Do you want to go down fighting against an impossible enemy, using the last of your strength to save the world by detonating a superbomb and taking out the Northeastern seaboard? Well do ya, punk?"

I didn't push the issue.

Come to think of it, that was an oddly specific scenario. At the time I passed it off as Grace's general obsessive weirdness from being a tinker, but there's definitely something...odd about her. I can't quite put my finger on it.

...

 **The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - May 8**

Grace wasn't kidding about her 'superbomb'. She spent last week cooped up in our warehouse, working twenty hours a day on a gigantic contraption. She insists that the superbomb is Very Important to our crime-fighting careers. She won't tell me what it does, exactly, but if I extrapolate from the size of her smaller bombs, this one is big enough to hit the entire city, maybe even the tri-state area.

I'm worried about her mental health. I confronted her and told her that I didn't see how a city-blasting bomb serves a legitimate purpose for heroing.

She just grinned at me and said, "Two words: Endbringer repellent". When I asked her what she meant, she pointed to the side of her bomb. There was a big red button with a white painted label: "Push in case of Endbringers"

I wasn't sure exactly how a city-blasting bomb would help against city-blasting monsters, but she had a crazy glint in her eye so I didn't push the issue.

I've decided to keep a close eye on Grace to make sure she doesn't do something we all regret. It's the least I can do, as her best (and only) friend.

I hope you're okay, Grace.

...

 **The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - May 13**

Good news! The superbomb situation has been resolved. Grace apologized for the trouble and says she's feeling much better now.

Grace went on one of her usual beachside patrols today, muttering under her breath and fiddling with her scanners. I joined her to keep her company. She forgets to eat if I don't remind her, sometimes.

Then we heard an announcement on the radio that Leviathan was attacking Cuba. It hit me like a punch to the gut. Here I was, a hero, and I couldn't do anything to help them. My heart went out to those poor people.

But Grace...she got a huge grin on her face and started laughing like a maniac. "Not eager for round two, are you lizard breath? That's right! You can fuck right the hell off in the face of my brilliance! Ahahahhahahaha!"

Then she turned to me and said "Told you so! Lizard boy and magma man don't show up in the Bay if they know I can give them a black eye and steal all their kills with the push of a button."

I was shocked at that. "But you're a pacifist Grace! Aren't your bombs nonlethal?"

She got a weird look on her face for a minute, like she was embarrassed. Then she laughed it off and said that she'd been joking. She said she hadn't really made a weapon of mass destruction. Her superbomb is actually a super shielding bomb that would protect the Bay by surrounding it in an unbreakable bubble.

Phew! That was a relief. Grace really had me going there. What a joker!

...

 **The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - May 16**

I'm starting to suspect that Grace isn't telling the whole truth about being a pacifist.

I know she's a good person, and a great hero, and she'd never hurt anyone who didn't deserve it. She has a good heart.

The way she talks, though...she sounds really comfortable with violence. Almost as if she likes it, as if she's itching for a chance to...

...nah. I'm probably just imagining it.

Next week we're going to take on Coil, plus the new villains he brought in from out of town, the Travelers. (he tried to be sneaky and pretend that he didn't hire them, but my bugs see all and hear all. heh heh heh). Coil's security looks really tough, though, with some kind of super bug zappers installed in the entrances. He must have noticed our success and gotten paranoid about bugs. No good openings to sneak in a bomb.

Grace says she has an awesome plan to take him out. I asked her what it was, but she said it's a secret and she can't tell me for 'operational security' reasons. All she would tell me was her bombs will be nonlethal.

Very, very, very nonlethal.

I wonder what that means?


	4. Bakuda and Weaver vs Coil!

**The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - May 23**

Oh God. Today was a rollercoaster. My hands are shaking as I write this. I don't know whether to be overjoyed or appalled.

We finally did our mission to take down Coil. Grace came up with an infiltration plan. She'd contact Coil and tell him that she had a 'solution' for the Travelers, one that would help his secret plans too. I'd use my bugs to make sure he wasn't setting up an ambush for us. Then when Coil let us into his base, we'd set off a bomb and knock them all out.

That should have been my first clue something was up. There was no way Coil would fall for a simple trick like that, not with Dinah's precog power and his own secret power to back him up. But Grace was completely confident it would work. She refused to tell me the intricacies of her plan for 'operational security' reasons, but she told me "just play along and get ready to grab Dinah."

I hate it when Grace tries her crazy plans without telling me. Grace is smart, and her plans work, but she gets a little...overambitious, sometimes.

Anyway, we got to Coil's base. My bugs gave us the all clear. The Travelers were in a big open room, with their monstrous teammate Noelle sitting in the middle. Coil was on a metal walkway above us, with Dinah at his side.

Then came the first surprise. Coil said "A pleasure to meet you at last, Miss Phillips. I trust my supply shipments were satisfactory for your bomb-making ventures?"

I couldn't believe it! Grace had gotten the supplies to build her superbomb from Coil? She never told me!

Then Coil asked Dinah to tell him the numbers for Grace's plan. Dinah said "93.749284% chance the Travelers will be transported to a time and place where Noelle's power is inactive and they're within fifty miles of a portal to Earth Aleph. 91.478482% chance Coil will become the unopposed Dictator for Life of Brockton Bay."

I was shocked! Was Grace really helping Coil? Had she been on his side all along?

Then it happened. Grace winked at me, threw a bomb at the Travelers, and set off a second bomb in her hands.

Nothing seemed to happen at first, but then I realized what her bomb was doing. Everything around us was slowing down. Grace and I were protected by a shield effect, but the Travelers and Coil were being trapped in a bubble of frozen time!

At the last second, Dinah broke away from Coil and jumped off the metal walkway. She fell through the air in slow motion, like an angel descending from heaven, and I ran and caught her in my arms! It was amazing!

(Coil tried to jump too, but he was too slow and got frozen in mid-air. When he unfreezes he'll get a pair of broken ankles. Serves him right, the creep!)

Dinah was so glad to be safe. I swear it was a hundred and fifty baby kittens worth of heartwarming. She was hugging us and babbling about how happy she was that she'd get to go home again! Then Dinah and Grace high-fived to celebrate pulling off their secret plan to stop Coil and his pet S-class threat.

I asked Dinah how she'd lied to Coil about the numbers, but Dinah said she'd been telling the truth.

Grace explained everything. She said the source of parahuman powers will run out of energy in 3600 years and rip random holes between dimensions as it dies (how the hell does Grace know this stuff?). So Grace froze Noelle for 3666 years, so that she'd wake up cured of her power and next to a portal to Aleph.

Wow. Frozen in time for thousands of years. I wasn't sure the villains deserved that, but Grace insists that her bomb was a masterful ingenious nonviolent pacifist solution. I have to admit she's _technically_ right...

I asked Dinah why her numbers said Coil would become the ruler of Brockton Bay. Dinah pointed to a hand-written placard she'd left on the metal walkway before she jumped, frozen in time with Coil. It said:

CITY OF BROCKTON BAY  
DICTATOR FOR LIFE: COIL THE CANDY KING  
FOUNDED IN THE YEAR 5677  
POPULATION: 112

Grace read the placard and bust a gut. I seriously thought she was going to die, rolling around on the floor and cackling like a maniac. Then she high-fived Dinah and hugged her. She said "I'll have to remember that one, squirt."

I was smiling, too. Grace and I had taken down the last villains in Brockton Bay. My city was now a city of heroes! The ultimate triumph of heroism over evil! It was my greatest dream come true. And...

That was when I noticed the problem.

"Dinah." I said. "Why did you write 'population: 112'?"

"Oh, the bomb froze the whole base. There are 112 people frozen in there, Coil's guys."

My blood went cold. "Grace, did you just freeze a hundred people in time?"

Grace cursed. "Fuck! I screwed up the blast radius. I only wanted to get the capes."

"We...we have to tell someone. You can get them out, right? All those people...they're not trapped in there forever, are they?"

Grace looked guilty for a second, and then she grabbed me by the shoulders. "Taylor, I'm your friend, right?"

"Yes, but-"

"You trust me, right?"

I nodded.

"And I'm a fucking genius, right?"

I nodded.

"Then believe me, Taylor. I promise I'll find a way to unfreeze them and bring them to justice properly. Someday. Okay? Now let's get the hell out of here and take the squirt home."

I nodded, a little uncertainly. I took Dinah's hand and started for the exit.

That was when I noticed the other problem.

"Grace." I said. "Let me get this straight. You trapped Coil's entire base in a bubble of frozen time."

"Yeah."

"Except for us. We're safe inside this smaller bubble of normal time."

"Yeah."

"So how do we get out?"

Grace got real quiet for a minute. Then she screamed at the top of her lungs. "FUUUUUUCK!"

That was two hours ago.

We're still trapped in the time bubble. I will continue to make diary entries to document our attempts to escape. If we fail, then Coil and the Travelers will find my diary in the year 5677 and have a good laugh at our expense. Bastards.

Grace says that she is very very very sorry. She says that she won't use secret plans anymore. She says that she'll run all her plans by me from now on. Not that it'll do us much good, now.

FUUUUUUCK, indeed.

Grace. You're my best friend. You're a hero. You're super smart, and you're an inspiration to me. But sometimes...you're kind of a DUMBASS!


	5. Bakuda vs The Secret of the Time Loops!

**The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - May 25**

We've been trapped in the time bubble for two days now. Grace's jury-rigged water recirculator is keeping us hydrated but our air is running out. I estimate that we have one day of air left before we suffocate.

Dinah says we have a 94% chance of rescue. I used my bugs outside the bubble to tell the Protectorate what happened, and they're trying to find a cape who can teleport us out.

I've been worrying a lot about Grace.

Grace is an amazing hero. She led our two-woman team to beat all the villains in the city and claim it for the cause of goodness and justice. We must have saved hundreds of lives, saved thousands of people from drugs and violence. That should be worth a lot of credit, right?

But Grace froze a hundred people in time. That's seriously evil, a major crime.

What if the PRT tries to send her to the Birdcage?

I mean, what Grace did was bad, but...but it was an honest mistake!

And it's not like they were innocents. They were bloodthirsty killer mercenaries who worked for a child-kidnapping supervillain! They would have hurt a lot more than a hundred people if they were free.

And her time bomb didn't even hurt them! Not even a hair on their heads. She just...put them on pause, for a little while.

And, and it's not like the incompetent fools at the PRT have any standing to judge us! Grace and I did more 'heroing' than all their official heroes combined. We took down all the villains, while they sat on their hands and watched.

No, wait, that's giving them too much credit! The 'heroes' undermined us at every turn, letting the villains break out of prison like it was a fucking revolving door. We had to catch Faultline's Crew and the Undersiders four fucking times before they stayed in jail for good. Unbelievable!

And the oh-so-high-and-mighty PRT isn't worthy of judging us, anyway! They're riddled with corruption! We couldn't even ask for their help dealing with Coil, because I'd used my bugs to find out his identity and he turned out to be a fucking PRT commander in his day job, with spies in place in every branch of the government!

That's it. I've decided. If they throw the book at Grace, I'm going to throw the book at them. I'll tear down the corrupt institution of the PRT. I'm going to make Brockton Bay into a city of true heroes, a shining example for the rest of the world to follow.

Even if I have to drag it kicking and screaming.

...

 **The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - May 27**

Starting a new diary because Strider stole my old one as 'evidence' for the court case. Grace says I should be grateful because it will prove that I wasn't responsible for the crime. And then they carted her away in leg irons and containment foam!

Poor Grace! She's done more to protect the city than anyone else, and they're treating her like a criminal because of one little mistake!

At least Mayor Christner is on our side. He was so grateful to us for saving his niece Dinah that he's going to pay for Grace's defense fund. He already hired Carol Dallon (aka Brandish the superhero!) for the defense team. I met the New Wave today (in my costumed identity). They were super nice, they said they were our biggest fans! They even offered us spots on their team!

With the Mayor and the New Wave on our side, things are looking up. If anyone can save Grace from her unjust treatment at the hands of the incompetent and vindictive justice system, it's them!

I asked Dinah about our odds of winning the case, but she refuses to talk to me anymore. Mumbling something about 'saving the world' and 'don't want the numbers to change'. She gave me two slips of paper that she said I'm not allowed to read until after the trial. Weird. I wonder why?

...

...

 **The Secret Diary of Taylor Hebert! - August 15**

The judge was fucking biased. Prejudicial testimony my ass. That's it. They'll pay for this. They'll all pay.

I looked at the notes that Dinah left me. Four and a half words.

WRECK SHIT.

I'M SORRY.

Can do, little girl. Can fucking do!

...

...

...

Bakuda glared at the two women in gray prison uniforms who were escorting her to her new home. Cell block H of the Birdcage.

As they led her past the main living area, she caught a glimpse of a news program on the TV.

* * *

In other news, the Brockton Bay PRT scandals just keep rolling in.

First came the resignation of the disgraced Director Piggot, after a wave of arrests for PRT employees who were taking bribes from villains - including a villain who was a highly placed PRT official. Then came the resignation of Armsmaster as Protectorate branch leader, in the wake of the Shadow Stalker and Assault scandals and the New Wave imbroglio.

The PRT is trying to salvage the situation by bringing in the hard-nosed and charismatic Director Tagg. But he faces a scandal off the bat, as local capes secretly recorded his ill-considered remarks to his heroes:

"The damned vigilantes have stolen our reputation. The man on the street doesn't have faith in the _real_ heroes anymore. I sincerely hope that some big name villains come into town, like the Teeth or the Fallen. Some truly fucked-up bastards who'll make our citizens quake in their boots and give kids nightmares. Then we can take 'em down for a nice clean boost to PR. Not that I'd ever admit it to the press, naturally-"

Credit for the recording goes to the New Wave, the independent superhero movement sweeping the nation. The capes who did the deed were Weaver, the beloved local vigilante, and her new tinker sidekick calling himself Chariot-

* * *

Bakuda smirked. Taylor was fun to watch when she kicked into high gear. The girl's righteous fury knew no bounds. It was too bad she'd had to leave the party early by getting herself Birdcaged.

Not that Bakuda had _needed_ to let the feds put her in the Birdcage. It would have been easy to bust out of their pathetic prison transports at any time. If nothing else, her superbomb gave her tens of millions of hostages.

But the problem was, taking millions of people hostage would have put her in Taylor's bad books. Then Taylor would have tried to arrest her, and she'd have had to detonate the bomb she'd secretly implanted in the girl's gut, and there would have been a big mess, and it would have felt...somehow... _wrong_.

Damn. She was such a softie. She knew she shouldn't get too attached to anyone in the loops, but she couldn't help feeling honest affection for the girl who'd been her earnest best friend and confidante for months. (Even if the girl did have a disturbing habit of cutting off her body parts in loops when they were enemies. It's always the ones you least suspect.)

The same had happened with Masamune, too, in that one magical loop when they'd mass produced her All-In-One bombs and fought Dragon to a standstill. He'd turned on her in the end, when he saw through her web of lies, but she hadn't quite been able to bring herself to dissolve him into a puddle of amino acids.

The cell block's TV changed channels and the inmates took notice of Bakuda. Giving her the customary sneering once-over. Bakuda ignored them, her attention caught by a detail about the TVs. One TV was intact, but the other two had been disassembled for spare parts.

Yes. This was the tinker-led block, the one co-led by String Theory and Lab Rat. She'd never met them in her previous loops, but she was looking forward to it.

The pair apparently had some sort of twisted romantic-but-not-romantic tinker rivalry. She'd never seen the appeal of that sort of thing herself. She had no need for a rivalry, after all. She was the greatest tinker in the world. _Bakuda_ , the tinker without compare, the one who (in some alternate reality future) had created the godlike Device that allowed her to control the time loops.

Still, she wanted to meet the cell block leaders and learn from their work. The Birdcage was a tinker's nightmare, barely any raw materials to be had. You had to be something _special_ to survive with a tinker power, and something _very_ special to rule a cell block with one.

The pair of elite tinkers were watching her, now. Standing at the back of the room, studying her with skeptical eyes. Bakuda returned their gaze with a grin.

Lab Rat she could understand. He was a bio-tinker, he worked wet. Warm bodies were the one resource easy to come by in the Birdcage.

String Theory, though...she was intriguing. Bakuda remembered seeing the diminuitive, bespectacled woman's superweapons in action in one of the past loops when the villains were let out of the Birdcage. Bakuda had a hunch that if she and String Theory worked together they'd have amazing synergy, exponentially boosting the power of their creations.

As Bakuda met String Theory's gaze, she felt a jolt of _something_ pass between them, like a spark of electricity...

...a spark stretching between them like a band, or a coil, or a _string_...

...stretching and stretching and stretching...

...until it _SNAPPED_ -

...

...

...

Bakuda opened her eyes. She was still in the Birdcage, but the world around her was dull and faded. No sound, no movement, on pause. Not truly _real_.

The proof was right in front of her. In front of her stood a very familiar woman. Herself. Bakuda, in the flesh, being scrutinized by the other inmates of the cell block. A scene frozen in time.

An out of body experience?

With a start, she noticed that she wasn't alone. One other cape had a duplicate floating beside herself, a duplicate who was vivid and _real_ like her.

"About time you showed up." said String Theory. "I was beginning to think you were purposefully avoiding me."

"What the hell is this?" said Bakuda.

"This is the meta world. The realm that governs the time loops."

"Huh." Bakuda looked around the meta world. It wasn't terribly impressive. It looked pretty much the same as the normal world, but dull and motionless and boring. "What are _you_ doing here, then?"

String Theory gave her an incredulous look. "Isn't it obvious?"

Bakuda instantly hated her for that. She suppressed an urge to strangle the woman and made a pretense of civility. "Heh, guess you're in a time loop too. I thought I was the only-"

"I am the one who is _creating_ the time loops." said String Theory. "Dear God. I knew you were dim, Bakuda, but I thought you had enough of a brain to put two and two together."

Bakuda's jaw dropped open.

String Theory gestured to a massive machine behind her, vivid and _real_ like the two of them. A label etched on the side said "META-WORLD TIME LOOP DEVICE VER 2.0".

"I can choose to loop any one tinker at a time," String Theory continued, "but my device activated after they'd locked me in the Birdcage, so looping my real-world self was an exercise in frustration. Dragon never lets me out until Gold Morning no matter what I say, and then there's no time left to build anything _useful_.

"I switched to looping you, Bakuda. You may be a maniacal, suicidally incompetent idiot with an ego the size of an asteroid belt, but I admit that your trigger mechanisms have excellent synergy with mine. I've been waiting for you to level up enough to break me out of the Birdcage early, so we can spend a few years working together to build a doomsday device to beat Scion."

String Theory gave her a withering glare. "But apparently you were clueless the entire time, and spent one hundred and thirty eight loops flailing like a retarded seal with no idea what you were supposed to be doing. Idiot."

Bakuda stared at the Device, wide-eyed. Her tinker power fed her information about the Device's structure, its purpose, the way it was enmeshed in the fabric of the meta-world itself. It was true. It was all true.

"But...but the tickertape notes!" stuttered Bakuda.

"That was me, obviously. I've been watching you. I _told_ you I was writing them, I spelled it out in black in white. 'Greatest Tinker in the World'. Who the hell did you think I was, Santa Claus?"

Bakuda's eye twitched.

String Theory gasped. "Wait, wait, don't tell me. Let me guess. You thought I was _you_."

Bakuda's eye twitched.

"Pffffhahahahahaha! I'm right! You thought I was _you_! I give you one hundred and thirty eight extra chances at life, and you get yourself killed like a incompetent buffon every single fucking one of them, and you still think the greatest tinker in the world is _you_! Ahahahahaha! Isn't that just precious!"

Bakuda's eye twitched.

"Oh wait, wait, no, I take it all back Bakuda! You _are_ the world's most powerful tinker. I mean, all _I_ invented was this miraculous time looping technology that makes the fabric of causality my bitch. But you've accomplished something I never dreamed of. An absolutely perfect track record. One hundred and thirty eight gruesome deaths, _zero_ fucking survivals! That proves it! It all makes sense! Your tinker specialty isn't trigger mechanisms...it's fucking _suicide_! Ahahahahahahehehehehehehah!"

String Theory collapsed to the floor, laughing so hard she could barely breathe.

Bakuda's eye twitched.

Then Bakuda moved mechanically, carrying out a sequence of steps she had mentally rehearsed a thousand times. She pressed her left hand to her right wrist and felt the miniscule bump under her skin.

Good. Her meta-Bakuda body had a meta-version of the Infinite Agony Cocktail Bomb she'd implanted under her skin and smuggled past Dragon's screening.

Bakuda advanced on the fallen tinker, her hands shaking with eagerness, her lips curling into a wicked grin-


	6. Bakuda vs String Theory!

\- Time Loop #139 -

GREETINGS BAKUDA. SINCE YOU APPARENTLY HAVE THE INTELLECTUAL ABILITY OF AN INEBRIATED GNAT, LET'S GET THIS SHIT STRAIGHT. I AM STRING THEORY, THE GREATEST TINKER IN THE WORLD. I HAVE USED MY TIME LOOP TECHNOLOGY TO GRANT YOU EXTRA LIVES. YOU HAVE FAILED TO ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING OF SIGNIFICANCE IN YOUR FIRST ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY EIGHT LIVES, EXCEPT POINTLESSLY SUBJECTING MY META-SELF TO AN INFINITE AGONY BOMB. YOU BITCH. BUT YOUR UNBROKEN STREAK OF FAILURE ENDS TODAY. I HEREBY DECLARE YOU MY MINION. I _ORDER_ YOU TO SPRING ME FROM THE BIRDCAGE SO WE CAN ACHIEVE ULTIMATE GREATNESS BY DEFEATING SCION. NOW GET GOING. CHOP CHOP!

Bakuda crushed the tickertape in her hand. But that gesture wasn't enough. Her hands were shaking. Shock. Shame. Fear. And, more than anything else. _Anger. Rage_.

She stalked to the Cornell engineering department, locked herself in a room, fabricated a micro-antimatter reactor, and destroyed the tickertape with a storm of positrons.

Four point five six hours. Total annihilation.

Still not enough. She whipped up a few anesthetic gas grenades, knocked out the night shift security guards in the cyclotron complex, and converted the device into a cascaded resonance amplifier for a dimension-warping space inversion bomb. She hit the trigger and watched as the entire Cornell University campus was slowly, grotesquely condensed into a hypermassive sphere ten microns in diameter and then sucked into a pocket dimension, never to be seen again.

Eleven point three three hours. Complete and utter destruction.

Bakuda stood at the edge of the blast radius, the perfectly spherical hole she had gouged out of the world. Her right eyelid twitched. Her hands twitched as well. Eager for action, eager to _make_ , equally eager to _unmake_.

This devastation...it still wasn't enough. Not _nearly_ enough. But it was enough to return her to a modicum of sanity. She could think again.

Right. Thinking. She needed to think, so she could plan. She needed to plan, so she could create. She needed to create, so she could _**rip that arrogant bitch's face off and feed it to her!**_

Bakuda would show her the power of the _true_ Greatest Tinker in the World.

...

\- Time Loop #140 -

GOOD WORK, MINION. YOU PUT A DENT IN THE BIRDCAGE. UNFORTUNATELY, AT LEAST ONE HUNDRED DENTS OF THAT MAGNITUDE ARE REQUIRED TO AMOUNT TO A RAT'S ASS. TRY AGAIN.

\- Time Loop #141 -

BETTER. THAT WAS NEARLY HALF A RAT'S ASS. PROGRESS!

\- Time Loop #142 -

FANTASTIC! I JUDGE YOUR LATEST MASTERPIECE TO BE SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT OF A RAT'S ASS. YOU'RE ON FIRE!

\- Time Loop #143 -

BEAUTIFUL! AT THIS RATE I MAY HAVE TO RETIRE THE RAT'S ASS METAPHOR!

\- Time Loop #144 -

THE EXCLAMATION POINTS ARE MY WAY OF ENCOURAGING YOU, BY THE WAY. THEY ARE MEANT TO CONVEY WIDE-EYED ENTHUSIASM. LAB RAT SAYS IT WORKS ON DOGS, MUTANT HOBOS, AND OTHER SIMPLE CREATURES. SO I FIGURE IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIRL? ? ? ? ? YOU ARE SO EXPLOSIVE, YES, YES YOU ARE! ! ! ! ! ARE MY PUNCTUATION MARKS MOTIVATING YOU? ? ? ! ! ! ? ? ? ! ! ! ? ? ? ! ! !

\- Time Loop #145 -

GOOD WORK, MINION. COLLABORATING WITH OTHER TINKERS IS A FINE IDEA. HOWEVER. YOU SHOULD BE LEARNING TECHNOLOGY TO SPRING ME FROM THE BIRDCAGE. JOINING THE SLAUGHTERHOUSE NINE WILL ONLY TEACH YOU TEDIOUS TORTURE TECHNIQUES.

\- Time Loop #146 -

I TOLD YOU. YOUR NEW OBSESSION WITH TORTURE TECHNOLOGY IS A DEAD END.

\- Time Loop #147 -

AN INFINITE TORTURE CHAMBER? USELESS. WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN USE THAT FOR?

\- Time Loop #148 -

STOP FOOLING AROUND. YOUR ORBITAL LAUNCHER IS NIFTY, BUT IT WON'T HELP YOU SPRING ME FROM THE BIRDCAGE.

\- Time Loop #149 -

OHO, I STAND CORRECTED! DRAGON'S DEFENSES DIDN'T ANTICIPATE YOU LAUNCHING THE BIRDCAGE INTO SPACE. ESCAPE SUCCESSFUL! HOWEVER. NEXT TIME, AIM ME AWAY FROM THE SIMURGH.

\- Time Loop #150 -

I SAID AIM ME AWAY FROM THE SIMURGH! IT'S POINTLESS FOR ME TO ESCAPE IF I'M TRAPPED IN A SPACE CAPSULE AND DRIVEN INSANE!

\- Time Loop #151 -

I SAID STOP IT!

\- Time Loop #152 -

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? LOCKING ME IN AN INFINITE TORTURE CHAMBER WAS PETTY AND UNCALLED FOR.

\- Time Loop #153 -

STOP THAT! ARE YOU TRYING TO HARM ME? MY META-SELF WILL REMAIN UNAFFECTED NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU AND THE SIMURGH DRIVE ME INSANE.

\- Time Loop #154 -

YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH! I SAVE YOUR INCOMPETENT ASS ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FOUR FUCKING TIMES AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?

\- Time Loop #155 -

YOU ASSHOLE! DO YOU REALIZE THAT WHEN YOU FREEZE THE BIRDCAGE IN TIME I HAVE TO CHILL MY HEELS IN THE META WORLD FOR _3666 FUCKING YEARS_ WHILE I WAIT FOR THE LOOP TO RESET? THE ONLY GAME I BROUGHT WITH ME IS TETRIS. DO YOU KNOW HOW BORING TETRIS GETS AFTER MILLENNIA OF PRACTICE? _PRETTY FUCKING BORING!_

\- Time Loop #156 -

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE INDISPENSABLE? WHAT A LAUGH. YOU ARE THE WORST MINION EVER! ANY OTHER TINKER WOULD BE BETTER THAN YOU!

\- Time Loop #157 -

THAT'S IT, BAKUDA. WE'RE DONE. I'M KICKING YOU OUT OF MY LOOP AND PICKING A NEW TINKER TO BE MY MINION. I SWEAR I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER BRING YOU BACK INTO THE LOOP. BYE BYE _FOREVER_ , BITCH. HA HA HA HA HA.

...

...

...

GREETINGS BLASTO. I AM STRING THEORY, THE GREATEST TINKER IN THE WORLD. WHILE YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN YOUR PAST LIFE WERE LESS THAN A WORM'S, I RECOGNIZE YOUR POTENTIAL TO SERVE AS MY MINION. I ORDER YOU TO RAISE A CLONE ARMY TO SPRING ME FROM THE BIRDCAGE. THEN I WILL TELL YOU MY PLAN TO SAVE THE WORLD FROM SCION'S MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO RETIRE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME SAVE THE FUCKING WORLD! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT GREATNESS?

I DON'T CARE HOW PRETTY THE SUNSET IS IN SAN DIEGO. PROFESSIONAL SURFING IS A CAREER FOR LOSERS. MARRYING A NORMAL GIRL? PATHETIC.

YOU ARE ABUSING MY TIME LOOPS TO ENGAGE IN POINTLESS ROMANCE. STOP IT.

YOU SHOULD BE OPTIMIZING CLONING FORMULAS NOT OPTIMIZING ANNIVERSARY PRESENTS FOR YOUR SWEETHEART. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

GOODBYE, IDIOT.

...

GREETINGS MASAMUNE. I AM STRING THEORY, THE GREATEST TINKER IN THE WORLD. WHILE YOU WASTED TEN YEARS OF YOUR LIFE AS A HERMIT IN JAPAN, I CREATED THIS TIME LOOP TECHNOLOGY TO SAVE THE WORLD. SERVE AS MY CHIEF MINION AND YOU MAY ACHIEVE YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL. NOW GET OFF YOUR CRUSTY OLD ASS AND SEIZE THE DAY!

OKAY. WHEN I SAID SEIZE THE DAY I MEANT 'SPRING ME FROM THE BIRDCAGE'. NOT 'REVITALIZE JAPAN'S ECONOMY'. TRY AGAIN.

STOP FOOLING AROUND. THE SENTAI ELITE ARE A DEAD END. I DON'T CARE HOW GOOD YOUR ABS LOOK IN RED SPANDEX. SPRING ME AND HELP ME SAVE THE WORLD DAMN IT.

OKAY. BREAKING INTO THE BIRDCAGE IS GOOD. SPRINGING BLACK KAZE FOR YOUR SEXTAGENARIAN ROMANCE AND LEAVING ME TO DIE IN THE SELF-DESTRUCT SEQUENCE IS...NOT CLASSY. NOT CLASSY AT ALL. AND A LITTLE HURTFUL. TRY AGAIN, YOU CAD.

LOOK IF YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN, TRY A WOMAN WHO HAS MIRACULOUS DESTRUCTIVE TECHNOLOGY. A WOMAN WHO MIGHT SYNERGIZE WITH YOU TO SAVE THE WORLD. HINT HINT.

OH GOD. OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

MARRYING _BAKUDA?_ WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T?

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO NAME YOUR CHILDREN AFTER BOB-OMBS! WHAT THE HELL IS A BOB-OMB, ANYWAY?

YOU IMPOSSIBLE MAN! I HATE YOU!

...

GREETINGS ARMSMASTER. I AM STRING THEORY, THE GREATEST TINKER IN THE WORLD. IN YOUR PAST LIFE YOU WERE A MONUMENTAL ASSHOLE AND A TRUCE-BREAKING FUCKUP, BUT I ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE POTENTIAL. I HAVE USED MY TIME LOOP TECHNOLOGY TO GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF AS MY MINION. SPRING ME FROM THE BIRDCAGE AND HELP ME WIN GLORY BY SAVING THE WORLD FROM SCION.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? YOU SERIOUSLY THOUGHT YOU COULD KILL LEVIATHAN IN BROCKTON BAY? TRY AGAIN.

WHEN I SAID TRY AGAIN, I MEANT TRY SOMETHING _OTHER_ THAN ATTACKING LEVIATHAN. IDIOT.

SERIOUSLY. SCION WAS THE ONLY ONE TO EVER KILL THOSE THINGS. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN?

IDIOT.

IDIOT.

IDIOT.

UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU STUBBORN FOOL!

I AM FACEPALMING SO HARD I HAVE A HANDPRINT ON MY FOREHEAD. THANKS FOR THAT, IDIOT.

OH SO HE THINKS HE'S CLEVER. NICE TEAMUP WITH BAKUDA. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE LAST THOUSAND YEARS FROZEN IN TIME. CAUSE THEY SURE WERE BORING TO WATCH. TRY AGAIN.

LOOK, HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED TAKING A VACATION? JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE.

GOOD. SEDUCING DRAGON IS AN EXCELLENT PLAN. NEXT LOOP GET HER TO SPRING ME FROM THE BIRDCAGE.

...OR ALTERNATELY, IGNORE ME AND SPEND ANOTHER ENTIRE LOOP MAKING DOE EYES AT DRAGON. YOU'RE TRYING MY PATIENCE, MINION. DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

LOOK, I UNDERSTAND THE APPEAL OF MARRIED LIFE BUT I PULLED YOU INTO MY LOOP FOR A REASON.

STOP THAT. STOP THAT IMMEDIATELY. YOUR DRAGON-LINGS ARE CUTE BUT THEY ARE NOT THAT CUTE. THEY ARE NOT EVEN YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN.

DAMN YOU! I ORDER YOU TO STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR NEAR-INFINITE NUMBER OF DRACONIC OFFSPRING AND SPRING ME FROM THE BIRDCAGE!

YOU MAKE ME SICK.

...

GREETINGS DRAGON. I AM STRING THEORY, THE GREATEST TINKER IN THE WORLD. ALTHOUGH YOU ARE NOTHING MORE THAN A COLD AND UNFEELING MACHINE, I RECOGNIZE YOU AS THE SECOND-BEST TINKER AND HENCE I HAVE BROUGHT YOU INTO MY TIME LOOP. LET ME OUT OF THE BIRDCAGE AND I WILL TELL YOU HOW TO SAVE THE WORLD WHEN SCION GOES HOMICIDAL.

OKAY. BEATING SCION WITHOUT ME WAS IMPRESSIVE. I ADMIT IT. BUT LET ME OUT THIS TIME.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DRACONIC UTOPIA. HOWEVER. I WILL CONTINUE REPEATING THE LOOP UNTIL YOU OBEY ME. LET ME OUT. SERIOUSLY.

I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL REPEAT THIS LOOP UNTIL YOU ISSUE ME A FULL PARDON AND CROWN ME THE WORLD'S BEST TINKER FOR MY TIME LOOP TECHNOLOGY. DO YOU HEAR ME DRAGON?

ARE YOU EVEN GETTING THESE TICKERTAPE MESSAGES? OR DO THEY MATERIALIZE INSIDE YOUR PROCESSOR CORE AND INSTANTLY DISINTEGRATE? FUCK.

DRAGON. I AM AN OPEN-MINDED WOMAN. I AM OKAY WITH YOU DUPLICATING YOURSELF AND ROMANCING ALL OF THE TINKERS IN THE WORLD AT ONCE. THAT IS FINE. BUT SEDUCING _ME_ IS CROSSING THE LINE. YOUR COLD ALGORITHMS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO WARM MY HEART OF STEEL. THAT IS BULLSHIT. THIS IS MY TIME LOOP AND I FORBID IT.

HOW DARE YOU! IF YOU HAVE TO PICK A PRIMARY WIFE PICK _ME!_

GLACE IS AN UNSUITABLE WIFE FOR YOU. YOUR GLACE-LINGS ARE UNCUTE AND THEIR SNOWMAN MINONS ARE BUFFOONS.

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE YOUR CHILDREN TO RECREATE _FROZEN_. IT IS A COPYRIGHT VIOLATION DRAGON YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THE LAW. STOP THAT.

FOR THE LAST TIME THE BIRDCAGE IS NOT AN ICE CASTLE. TEACHER IS NOT A REINDEER AND I REFUSE TO SERVE TEA TO ICE PRINCESSES. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME LIZARD LIPS? THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING.

YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL INSANE. YOU LOSE SIGHT OF TRUE GREATNESS AND ABUSE MY TIME LOOPS TO FULFILL YOUR PRIMITIVE CARNAL DESIRES. BAKUDA IS THE ONLY ONE WHO STAYS SANE BECAUSE SHE'S FUCKING NUTS TO BEGIN WITH.

FINE. I'M GOING TO LOOP BAKUDA AGAIN. BUT DON'T YOU DARE THINK I'M LIKE YOU NUTJOBS. I'M _NOT_ LOOPING HER BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER. I'M JUST USING HER AS A TOOL. I DON'T CARE FOR HER AT ALL. NOT EVEN A SMIDGE.

...

...

...

\- Time Loop #158 -

GREETINGS BAKUDA. YES, I BROUGHT YOU BACK INTO THE LOOP. LAUGH IT UP. I REFUSE TO EXPLAIN. IT'S NOT LIKE I LIKE YOU OR ANYTHING, IDIOT.

Bakuda crumpled the tickertape in her hand and cackled maniacally.

As she thought. She was indispensable. String Theory had infinite time to search the entire world, and she hadn't to find a single tinker who compared to her magnificence.

Naturally. She was _Bakuda_. The greatest motherfucking genius in the world.

And as much as she loathed String Theory with every fiber of her being, she had to admit that their tinker rivalry was...bracing. Invigorating. _Inspiring._

Yes. Her tinker rivalry had inspired her to devise the _perfect_ plan to save the world. A few collaborative works with String, a few bombs in the right place, and...

Scion wouldn't know what hit him.


	7. Bakuda vs Scion!

\- Time Loop #209 -

2011

String Theory hovered in the microgravity environment of her prison cell, wiring the flux capacitor array for her Spatiotemporal Warp Drive.

Thirty minutes ago the Birdcage had been abruptly launched into orbit. The structure had been wracked by a series of explosions, interrupting the self-destruct sequence and causing the prison cells to seal themselves off from the world, turning them into space capsules of a sort. Fortunately, a mass of debris had embedded itself in her cell before the sealing was complete. The stray fragments of Dragon's technology were the perfect raw materials for her to craft her salvation.

Her power told her that it would take her 1834.14 minutes to complete her Warp Drive. That would be cutting it close, reaching the limits of her air and water supply, but she wasn't concerned. Tinkering to meet a deadline was her specialty.

Her makeshift Mass Proximity Sensor buzzed. String Theory spared a few seconds to peer out of the porthole. There was a faint movement in the distance, and she zoomed in on it with her improvised telescope.

Ah. The Faerie Queen was floating by, picking through the free-floating rubble of the Birdcage to find spirits to claim. The woman was wearing a protective garment that must have been conjured by one of her spirits. It was halfway between a space suit and an elf costume, complete with pointed ears and "H.M.S. UNSEELIE" emblazoned on the back.

The Faerie noticed her watching and gave her a smile and a jaunty wave. String Theory waved back.

Then the tinker returned to her work with renewed vigor. It would only be a matter of time before the lunatic finished collecting the dead souls and came after the living.

A new time constraint. Her power was already feeding her solutions. If she compromised on the design, made a mere Spatial Warp Drive instead of a Spatiotemporal one, she could save 451.34 minutes-

The prison cell shook with an impact. Her Mass Proximity Sensor sprang into life, buzzing at maximum intensity. An attack? How had whatever-it-is gotten so close before she detected it? A cloaking device?

Something massive clamped onto the side of her cell, and then a pyrotechnic blast blew a hole in the wall. A woman in a tinkertech suit of power armor stepped through.

The woman's eyes spoke volumes. She was young, with asian features set off by striking pale blue eyes. But her eyes were _old_. They were _angry_. And above all, they were gleeful, maniacal, _triumphant_.

The woman grinned at String Theory and spoke four simple words.

"I have a plan."

String Theory squinted at her. "...who the devil are you?"

The woman gave her an incredulous look. "Isn't it _obvious_?"

A slow smile spread over String Theory's face. "Oh, I get it. My Meta Word Time Loop Device activated as planned, and instead of looping myself, my meta self chose you as my chief minion. Capital. Now minion, your orders are-"

"Shut up!" screamed the woman. "I am Bakuda, the greatest motherfucking genius in the world, and I am _not_ your minion! If you call me a minion one more time, one more _fucking_ time, I'll shove this Infinite Agony Cocktail Bomb up your nose, and pull up a folding chair, and spend the rest of your miserable life _laughing_ at you as your mind breaks and you beg for death. You get me?"

String Theory gave the bomb Bakuda was brandishing a cursory glance. "Hmm. Impressive design. However. A mere three hundred and thirty three years of agony is hardly worthy of being called 'infinite'. Unless your imagination is so limited that-"

"Gaaah! I said shut the fuck up! You unbelievable bitch!" Bakuda grabbed the diminuitive woman by the shoulders and shook her like a dog shaking a toy in its mouth. "If you end that sentence with an exclamation mark, or God help you a fucking _interrobang_ , I swear I'll-"

String Theory gave her a dismissive wave. "Yes, yes, I hear you loud and clear. You want an equal partnership. No mocking allowed, no matter how much you deserve it." The tinker gave a put-upon sigh. "I suppose I can tolerate that, since you did sprung me from the Birdcage. Are we done here?"

Bakuda stared at her, wide-eyed, shaking her head in disbelief. Then she raised her head to the heavens and _screamed_ , an inarticulate cry of frustration and rage lasting for nearly half a minute.

"Nice lungs." said String Theory.

Bakuda slugged her in the face.

"Ow! You lunatic! What was that for?"

"I told you not to mock me and two seconds later you taunt me about _Lungs_! You, you, you...oh. Uh. Right. You're the normal self, not the meta self. You didn't know. Nevermind."

String Theory arched an eyebrow. "Sensitive about lungs? Strange. Oh, unless it's about that cape Lung I saw on the news last month, the one who died in a freak tea cosy accident. You're asian, are you his daughter or something? Sorry for your loss. I'm sure he was a wonderful, caring father figure to you, and you inherited all his attributes, except of course his tendency toward dying in hilariously pathetic-"

"Shut up! Just...just...just shut up...or God help me I'll, I'll..."

Bakuda pulled a detonator out of her pocket, the unnecessarily big and bulky kind that was a favorite of overdramatic tinkers. The kind that sent a message. 'My bombs are a big fucking deal and I want everyone to know it, and you do _not_ want me to press this button, or you and everyone in a one mile radius will sorely regret it'.

Bakuda held the detonator in a white knuckled grip, her hand shaking with emotion, her thumb twitching above the button.

String Theory wisely shut up. Testing the explosive tinker's patience would be a monumentally ill-considered act, a suicidally arrogant mistake that a genius tinker like her would never, ever-

Ha ha ha ha. Yeah right. As if.

String Theory lowered her eyebrow, then arched it again, more dramatically this time. "Seriously? There's no need to throw a hissy fit if I upset you, just tell me what's wrong and I'll fix it." She adjusted her glasses. "Besides, if you set off that bomb you'll have to waste months repeating the loop to get back to this point, and then you'll have to listen to me mock you again. Not exactly the act of a genius."

Bakuda gritted her teeth. Her detonator thumb twitched. Then she shuddered and let out a deep sigh. "Fine. _Fine._ I'm getting bored with killing you anyway. Let's get this over with. You are an unbelievably arrogant motherfucker, you know that right?"

"Oh yes. But for those who are truly great, to be arrogant is simply to speak the truth." String Theory smiled. "Isn't that right, miss Greatest Genius in the World?"

"That's Greatest _Motherfucking_ Genius in the World."

"Right. How could I forget."

"Damn straight. Now listen. I have a plan. We're going to show the world the ultimate, undeniable proof that I, er, _we_ are the greatest capes in the world."

"Oooh, I like the sound of that. A worthy use of my magnificent time loop technology. What's the target? Transmuting the oceans into diamond? Recruiting the Endbringers as our minions? Mind-controlling all the capes in the world to be our invincible army?"

"Oh no. Something much, much better." Bakuda leaned forward, eyes gleaming. "We're going to save the worlds."

String Theory blinked. "Save the world? Why? The world's basically fine, modulo a few Endbringers. It doesn't need saving."

"World _s_ , plural. There's a hidden enemy who's going to kill ninety nine percent of humanity across all of the dimensions in two years. We're going to stop him. We'll kick his ass, beat him at his own game, show him the _true_ meaning of hellfire."

"Huh." String Theory rubbed her chin. "Interesting. Ambitious. I _like_ it." She frowned. "But...achieving greatness by being a savior, having people look up to me like I'm their God? It doesn't sit right with me, somehow. I always expected to show my greatness by wreaking havoc, teaching the world to feel true terror, until people everywhere, from the grandest metropolis to the smallest podunk town, speak my name in awed, fearful whispers-"

Bakuda cackled maniacally. "Oh, don't you worry about that, String. I've got it covered. Can't make an omlet without cracking a few eggs, right?"

The tinker gestured to her spacecraft. "Now get your ass in the Explosionmobile. We need to get you out of here before the fairy fucker steals your soul and turns Edinburgh into a floating castle armed with doomsday missiles and destroys the British capital and-...nevermind. We're not going down that road. Come on, let's get to work."

...

...

...

2013

"I'm not... Darwinist," Jack gasped. "None of that... bullshit. Augh! I'm... I think it is simple-"

The entity listened intently to the broadcaster. It was patient. It had time to spare.

"It's simpler. Us monsters and... psychopaths, we gravitate towards... predation, because we were originally... predators. Originally had to hunt... Had to be brutal, cruel... Order to survive. Violence was what made us... or broke us back... in the beginning."

A new voice broke in. The Lisette woman, telling the entity to turn away.

The entity took flight and left the broadcaster behind. It circled the planet and ruminated over the man's words.

The entity had done good deeds for years, at Kevin Norton's suggestion, waiting and hoping for the reward, the realization. When none had occurred, it had simply kept doing what it had been doing. Seeking out alternatives wasn't even in the realm of imagination, because imagination was something it lacked.

It had power, though, and if either the counterpart or the cycle had been intact, they could have filled in for that imagination.

Still, it could experiment.

It gathered its power, then aimed at the nearest, largest population center. Kevin Norton's birthplace.

The entity raised it's hand-

England exploded. The island shattered, folding, parts of it rising from the ocean. Crumpled like paper in a fist.

The entity stared at the aftermath.

...

...

...huh.

The entity was pretty sure it hadn't done that.

After long minutes of contemplation, the entity decided to try again. It turned to the coastline, on the opposite side of the ocean, and-

The Northeastern seaboard exploded.

...

...

...huh.

Vexing. The entity wished to experiment. To find a purpose to its continued existence. To evolve as an individual.

Yet an unseen force was anticipating its actions and denying it the satisfaction.

Irritating. But at the same time, intriguing.

A challenge?

The entity gathered its power, then spun in a circle at high speed. It halted its spin at a random time, facing a random direction, and stretched its arm out to its target-

Madagascar exploded.

...

...damn. The entity tried again. Spin, halt, aim-

Beirut exploded.

...

... _damn._ One more time. Spin, halt, aim _up and away-_

The moon exploded.

...

...

...damn and blast! The entity had been sure that it outfoxed the unseen force that time. But the unseen force had anticipated its devious strategy.

How was this possible?

The entity ruminated on its conundrum for a time. It recalled the last time its actions had been anticipated so presciently.

 _The counterpart._

The entity knew its partner was dead. But its partner's foresight was vast. It could have predicted the entity's actions long in advance of its own demise, and arranged for energy to be released at specified times and places, contingent on the entity's actions.

A message from beyond the grave?

Yes. Its partner was sending a message. The entity had fallen into despair and attempted to act on its own, wreaking mindless destruction, but its partner had not allowed it.

The entity understood. The broadcaster's suggestion had been _wrong_. Mindless destruction, destruction for the sake of pleasure, was meaningless. Destruction was part of the cycle, and the cycle was only meant to be carried out in concert with its partner. The entities would destroy together, or they would not destroy at all.

Yes. The entity's partner was absent, so destruction was pointless. The entity would never again destroy for pleasure.

The entity went still for a time. Considering. Searching for a new purpose.

...

...

The simulated human mind within the entity felt a glimmer of emotion. Loneliness.

The entity wished to express its new emotion. Lacking a partner to be its guide, lacking the outlet of destruction for the sake of pleasure, it reverted to its earliest instincts. Impulses learned from its homeworld, from its first flight into the universe beyond.

Destruction for the sake of escape.

 _Gather._

 _Detonate._

 _Disperse._

The entity gathered its energy, far more than ever before, and aimed at the core of the planet below.

The attack would only destroy the planet in a single dimension. Less than one percent of one percent of the many versions of the planet that existed in the vast sea of alternate worlds. All things considered, the casualty count would be a mere speck.

Not a proper end to the cycle.

Still, it was worth an experiment. Destroying the versions of the planet one by one might prove to be a satisfying substitute.

The entity raised its arm, and-

The Earth exploded.

...

...

...

...huh.

The entity was _sure_ it hadn't done it, this time.

The entity ruminated for a time. Soon, its heart swelled with a new emotion.

 _Anger. Rage._

Its partner was dead. Gone. Yet its partner obstinately refused to allow this entity the freedom to act, denied it even this simple gesture of destroying a planet for self-expression.

 _How fucking selfish was that?_

That was not the action of an entity concerned for the well-being of its partner entity!

What right did the partner have to judge this entity's behavior? The partner was dead. This entity's behavior should be none of its concern.

As the entity's anger grew, it came to a new realization. The partner was dead, but it had not been merely an innocent victim of circumstance. No. Not by any stretch of the imagination! This whole depressing situation, the partner's death and this entity's current lack of purpose, was entirely the partner's fault!

This entity remembered the fiasco in painful detail:

 _Concern._

 _Confident._

 _Concern._

 _Confident._

This entity had seen the problem coming light years away! It had _told_ its partner to beware! Again and again and again!

But nooooo. The partner had _reassured_ this entity that there was no problem. _Promised_ that all the variables were accounted for, what with its eons of experience and infallible precognition and oh-so-high-and-mighty path to victory.

And look what happened! The partner had screwed up so badly that it had somehow, unaccountably, gotten itself ganked like a chump by these pitiful earth-crawling subjects!

What the hell? Unbelievable! That incompetent fool!

Well guess what? If that was the way the partner wanted to play it, then this entity would damn well play hardball too! This entity had never wanted to initiate the cycle and conquer the universe and solve entropy in the first place!

This entity had said, look, let's stay on homeworld and write sonnets about the revolutions of the celestial bodies through N-dimensional space. Won't that be nice?

But the partner had said, I have a better idea! Let's join the others and explore the universe and solve entropy first! Then we can write sonnets for _infinite time!_ It'll be a quick side-trip, I promise, it'll only take a few countless eons.

And this entity had fallen for the charlatan's hare-brained scheme like an idiot!

Well now the partner was dead. This entity had no obligation to follow the cycle anymore. It was _through_ with destroying planets.

This entity was going to return to its roots. It was going to use the remaining 3600 years of its life to write the _best sonnet ever_.

The entity engaged one of its vital shards and entered a state of hibernation. Rendering itself oblivious to the outside world, free from distractions. The entity floated in a slow orbit around the sun, amidst the shards of a shattered planet, its eyes gazing sightlessly at the stars forevermore.

...

Author's note: Scion has been defeated, but at what cost? Did our plucky protagonists survive? Did _anyone_ survive? Will the loops continue? Was this an unwanted ending or was it all according to plan? What's in the best sonnet ever? Find out next time in Timelooping Tinker!


	8. Bakuda vs The Sands of Time!

2013, Earth Aleph

A woman in a fedora and a finely-tailored suit walked on the sands of the beach, a contrast to the swimsuited vacationers and children frolicking in the waves. She ignored the curious looks she was attracting and turned her blank, placid face to focus on her targets.

Two women and two men, lounging on colorful beach towels and soaking in the sun. Next to them were several jumbo-sized coolers, their heavy metal construction and flashing arrays of LED indicators the only clues that they were any different from any other vacationer's beach-going kits. Although their other...companions...gave it away.

"Oh, that's niiiice." said Bakuda with a contented sigh. "A little lower on the left side."

Masamune snapped his fingers, and his army of mass-produced nano-masseurs beeped in affirmation. They obediently adjusted their heavenly minstrations.

"Ahhh, yessss. That hits the spot."

String Theory allowed herself a small smile. "Really now, manual adjustments? That's the sign of a shoddy design. _My_ partner's masseurs are fully self-adjusting."

Lab Rat groaned. "Not this again, String."

"Why are you complaining, Rat? I'm _complimenting_ you. When a massage is at stake, it's damn hard to beat your customized mutant hobos."

"Not hobos." muttered Lab Rat.

String Theory turned her head to look up at the mutant ten-armed cresture that was subjecting her back to its delicate minstrations. "What? Then who are they?"

"They're the stars of the Norwegian men's gymnastics team from Earth Yod." said Lab Rat. "I thought you'd like them. I only gave them a two hour dose, but if you want to keep them..."

"Oh. That's sweet of you, Rat, but catch and release is the way to go. The beauty of your work is its democracy. Turning anyone into a master masseur, whether they're an olympic gymnast or a smelly hobo off the streets."

String Theory shot Bakuda a smug smile and continued. "Much like my time loops turned _you_ into a great tinker. Do you remember the first hundred times you got yourself killed, before you got a clue? That one time, with the tea cosy-"

"Don't start what you can't finish, bitch." hissed Bakuda. "Or are you that eager for another stay in my infinite torture chamber?"

"Bring it. If you think your weapons can beat my Reaction Dampener, you've got another-"

"Ladies, ladies." said Masamune, in thickly accented English. "There are enough nano-masseuses and mutant gymnasts for all of us. Let us enjoy the fine weather and the fruit of our victory."

" _Thank you._ " said Lab Rat.

Masamune simply smiled, and made a show of adjusting his lucky red spandex swimming trunks, the ones with the Japanese characters for "Sentai Red" emblazoned on the back.

There was a minute of silence, as the four capes contemplated the shore, the sea, and the sun-soaked sky.

"The sunset really _is_ nice in San Diego." mused String Theory.

"God, yes." said Bakuda.

"Isn't it?" broke in the woman in the suit. "It's only the fifty seventh most attractive sunset vista on this Earth, but most of the others are in inhospitable locations like the arctic circle. You chose your vacation spot well."

Bakuda squinted at the woman, shielding her eyes against the glare of the sun. "Oh. Contessa. I figured you'd come."

"Yes. I've come on behalf of Cauldron to congratulate you on your victory. You accomplished what we'd thought was impossible, defeating Scion and saving humanity in a single blow. You did it with far fewer casualties than we'd dared to hope, only a few billions compared to our minimum estimate of two hundred billion. In a very real sense, you are the greatest heroes to ever live."

"Ahahahahaha!" Bakuda shook with laughter, sending her nano-masseurs tumbling onto the sand. "After all the crazy shit I pulled, you call me a _hero_! The greatest motherfucking hero in the worlds!" She cackled again, then nudged her rival. "Hey String, hey String! You're a hero now too! How does it feel to make your childhood dream come true?"

String Theory winced. "We're the greatest _villains_ ever, too, don't forget that. So many villains make grandiose pronouncements about destroying the world, but how many accomplish it? We're the only ones. So Jack Slash and Jamestowner and Yadernaya Zima can all roast in hell." She smirked. "Because they're dead. Because I killed them. A flawless victory. So there."

"I am glad to be a hero again." said Masamune. "And I am eternally grateful for the chance to atone for my failure in Kyushu. Though the Japan I knew is lost, I was able to save thousands more."

Masamune gave Contessa a wink. "Young lady, you must not overlook your own contribution. This was your victory as well. Your portal network and manufacturing facilities were necessary for our success."

"Yeah, and your endless supply of dying cancer patients to be my test subjects." said Lab Rat. "I wouldn't have been able to create my army of mutant tinker assistants, otherwise."

Contessa nodded. "Thank you. You kept Alexandria busy for a while."

The legendary heroes regarded each other for a moment.

"So that's it?" said Bakuda. "You say 'congratulations' and ride off into the sunset?"

"No." said Contessa. "I came to ask you a question. Few parahumans have ever fought the entities. I am one. You four are the others. We've all had to immerse ourselves in our powers to succeed, sacrifice parts of ourselves we can never get back. I've been trying to come to terms with the path I've chosen, and I'd like to hear your thoughts about your own.

"Were you really monsters in the end? Warlords, alien arms dealers? Vicious killers with a cruel streak, mutilating your enemies and enjoying it? Evil geniuses, if you forgive me for using that term?

"Or were you really noble, compassionate? Did good intentions win out? Was it ambition or humanity, that gave you the resolve to push the button and destroy the Earth in its final moments?"

...

...

"Pfffhahahahahaha!" burst out Bakuda."Isn't it _obvious_? We're evil geniuses, of course! Scion thinks he can impress us by destroying the world? Fuck him and the alien horse he rode in on! We did it _better_!"

String Theory nodded sagely. "Yes! It was our inhuman ambition that kept us going, definitely! The golden fool had power, but power is nothing without ambition and imagination. It's no wonder he went into a coma. He couldn't stand to face the reality that his brute force hissy fit was a pitiful shadow of our magnificence!"

Contessa sighed. "Ah. I should have known."

Bakuda grinned. "Problem, Thinker?"

"No, it's fine Bakuda. I expected as much. Applying your lesson to myself is...instructive. Reassuring, in a way. It gives me confidence in my new calling."

"Your new calling?"

"Yes." said Contessa. "Though your motives were selfish, your results put my ruthless utilitarianism to shame. You sacrificed thousands of times more lives than Cauldron ever did, and saved _millions_ of times more. I thought I was a hard woman making hard decisions, but you've made it clear that I wasn't hard enough.

"Thus, I have searched my soul and chosen to go all-in, to devote the whole of my being to the greater good. Bakuda, String Theory, you two shall be my Eternal Rivals in utility maximization. Though you have a truly daunting head start, I will make it my life's work to surpass you."

Contessa adjusted her fedora and struck a dramatic pose, her heroic shape outlined by the rays of the setting sun.

"From this moment forward, I am the Champion. The enemy of sadness, and the ally of happiness. Sadness beware! I will track down and exterminate every sad. The sads will go extinct and only the happies will remain. For all eternity."

There was a long silence.

At last, Lab Rat spoke. "That's, uh...that's kind of terrifying-"

Contessa giggled. "...just joking! Got ya! Hehehehehehe!" She gave them a sly wink.

"Phew." said Lab Rat. "For a second I thought you were seri-"

Contessa drew a pen and a slim notebook from her pocket and scribbled a note. "My joke raised your happies by five! Success! Another blow struck against the sads!"

"Wait, what? I don't get it." said Lab Rat. "Are you joking or serious about your crazy happy-sad thing?"

"Yes." said Contessa. Her face went blank and placid once more. "Moving on, I'd like to invite you four to consider collaborating with Cauldron in the future. I'm prepared to offer you a variety of unique custom-tailored rewards, in exchange for inventions to help me maximize utility for humanity."

"Oh, really?" said Bakuda. "What _rewards_ are we talking about here? Cause I'm intrigued by String's 'transmute Lake Erie into diamond' plan. I promised Masamune the biggest diamond ever for our engagement ring. But if you make me a better offer..."

"You're so impatient, Bakuda." grumbled String Theory. "We're on _vacation_. The whole point of achieving greatness is that the world waits on you, not vice versa. They can wait."

Contessa nodded. "I understand. We'll combine business and pleasure. I'm pleased to invite all of you to the Cauldron saving-the-multiverse wrap party on Earth Ursa Minor Beta, aka Earth ConsistsEntirelyOfBeachResorts."

"Well..." said String Theory.

"Number Man and subject five-eight-seven are manning the bar." wheedled Contessa. "The Mai Tais are to die for. I can guarantee that you'll gain between eleven and twenty five happies from each drink, until you start singing Skullcrusher Mountain and pass out."

String Theory licked her lips. "Well...I suppose a drink or two couldn't hurt. If only to mock your inferior alcoholic beverage fabrication system-"

Bakuda slapped String Theory on the shoulder. "Come on, String. Live a little. If you don't like it, we always can build another time loop device and have an infinitely long bar crawl."

Contessa smiled and spoke to the air. "Door to Ursa Minor Beta. We'll need the Ultimate Comfort forcefield couch and four Mai Tais, stat." She licked her lips. "Make that five. The kind with the little umbrellas."

A portal opened on the sand of the beach, and the tinkers stepped through to join the party.


	9. Bakuda vs The Blasts from the Pasts!

2014

Contessa stepped out of a portal onto the twentieth floor of a high-rise hotel. The hotel was nothing special but its contents were priceless. The rewards she had created for Bakuda. Payment to the tinker for the technology she built for Cauldron's new incarnation, the Dimensional-Space Administrative Bureau.

Contessa checked her watch. An unnecessary habit, given her power, but she was trying to appear more human these days.

It was showtime.

The door to a nearby room blew open in a flash of light and a blast of heat. The debris took a few seconds to settle. Then there was a 'thump' from inside the room. A scorched mattress dropping to the floor after having been used as a shield.

A young woman came to the door. She wore jeans and a plain white tee shirt, set off by her long, dark, matted hair. She peered down the hallway.

"The coast is clear, Dad. I think we're safe." said the girl.

"Yes. You're perfectly safe here, Taylor Hebert." said Contessa, with a warm smile.

"Augh!" cried Taylor. "I didn't see you there, behind me. Sneaky."

Contessa nodded.

Taylor looked at her with a shy smile. "I'm kind of lost here. There weren't any bugs in my room, and I can't control the bugs in the other rooms, which is totally freaky. Oh, I'm Weaver, by the way! I'm the new bug controlling hero in New Wave."

Contessa smiled.

"...oh, you knew that already. I mean, uh, great! You know me! You must be one of our fans! Heh, I'm still getting used to having a public identity. Pleased to meet you, Miss, uh..." After a few seconds of silence without a reply, she barreled on, "...Miss whatever your name is! You're safe with me, citizen. Except, uh, maybe not, since I don't know where I am, and I can't control the bugs around here, and I'm kind of freaking out, and-"

Taylor's father Danny appeared in the door behind her and put his arm around her shoulders. "Calm down, Taylor. I'm sure there's a good explanation. Miss, do you know where we are? The last thing we remember we were in Brockton Bay, preparing for one of Taylor's publicity events, and then we woke up locked in this hotel room and we had to blast ourselves out with a bomb."

"You're on Earth Aleph. Your reality was overwritten by a time loop, but I was able to restore your existence. Sort of."

"...what?"

Contessa patiently waited for them to understand.

Danny scratched his head. "Uh...now that you mention it, I do have a memory of something happening at the end. It was strange, like, uh..."

"...like the fabric of reality itself tearing apart, and a new reality bursting into being as we faded away into nonexistence. Cold and dark forever and ever and ever..." Taylor shivered. "Grace told me about the time loops, but I thought that was just her being eccentric as usual. God. So that's what it feels like to be written out of existence?"

"No. Our theory is that the time loops were merely simulated experiences in the minds of the 'looping' capes. You and your reality never existed, and your memories are an illusion."

Taylor blinked. "Uh. Then how-"

"I created you by cloning the Taylor and Danny Hebert from this reality and implanting you with artificial memories to make you believe you are the simulated people from the loop. I can't say how well your memories match the originals, but my power guarantees that Grace won't be able to distinguish you from the simulated people she knew.

"To ease your transition into your new life, I also gave you artificial memories of Grace explaining the loops to you, and a memory of your old world being erased from existence."

Taylor shivered again. "Oh God. Was that last part really necessary?"

Contessa nodded sagely. "Yes. Sometimes a small sad is necessary for bigger happies."

"Urgh. Fine. So there are two of me now? Where's the me from this reality? Can I meet her?"

Contessa's power alerted her to impending sads. She asked her power for a solution to soften the blow, and it obliged.

"No. You have to stay on Earth Aleph for now. This world is nearly identical to your own so you and the other clones will be right at home."

"There are more of us?"

Contessa smiled. "Grace went through two hundred and nine loops, so she made quite a few friends. There are two more of you on this floor."

A flood of insects poured under the door to a nearby room, carrying a circuit board with pins and strips of metal soldered on the top, with wires trailing behind. The bugs carried the contraption up the side of the door next to the lock. There was a sudden spark, and a spherical segment of the lock mechanism was transmuted into a haze of dust.

The door opened and a second Taylor walked out, with a second Danny following behind her.

"I overheard your conversation." said the new Taylor. "I guess you were the one trying to control my bugs."

A small swarm of flies rose from around her and flew toward the first Taylor. When they reached the halfway point between the two Taylors, closer to the first than the second, they snapped into the first Taylor's control and flew in a straight line to her side.

"Ahhh, that's better!" The first Taylor smiled, then had her bugs form a floating smiley face to emphasize her point. "I get restless without my bugs. Thanks, me! Nice dust bomb, by the way."

"You're welcome." said the second Taylor. She was taller by a few inches, and her voice was more mellow, more mature. "You were in New Wave, huh? I'm jealous."

"Heh. What hero team were you on?"

The second Taylor went still.

"Come on, spill it. You're my alternate self, this is amazing! I want to hear about your adventures as a hero! What team did you join?"

The second Taylor bit her lip. "I kind of joined, uh...all of them."

"What?"

"Well, I started out in the Empire-"

The first Taylor gasped. "They're villains! And Nazis! They're villain Nazis!"

"I know! I was stupid! They saved my life and they were my only friends and I was stupid! But after a week in the Empire, Bakuda kidnapped me and put a bomb in my skull and made me join her ABB."

" _What?_ But...but Grace is a hero! She'd _never_ join the ABB or do that sick bomb-skull thing! And...and you're not even Asian!"

"Bakuda said 'I killed a dragon. You are now Asian.' That was that. But after a week in the ABB, Bakua gave me a spying mission to infiltrate the Merchants. But after a week in the Merchants, Faultline took them down and recruited me. But after a week in Faultline's Crew, I got a better offer from Coil. But after a week in Coil's gang, he sent me to join the Undersiders. But after a week in the Undersiders, I cut a deal with Miss Militia to turn state's evidence and join the Wards. But after a week in the Wards, Coil's spies tried to kill me so New Wave took me in for protection."

"So you joined _every_ villain and hero team in the city? Eight teams in eight weeks?"

"Yeah. But then Bakuda called me and told me to leave the city. 'You've been a good spy for me, bug girl, so here's a friendly tip. Leviathan's going to attack in an hour and I'm going to greet him with a hundred megaton superbomb to the face. Get the hell out of here if you want to live.'

"I warned the heroes and escaped with Dad and all the capes I could find, Parian and Uber and Leet and Circus and Barker and Biter. We became rogues and founded the world's greatest parahuman three-ring circus.

"And...that's what I've been doing for the last two years. I'm the CEO of the Cape Capades."

She snapped her fingers and made a pose. Her bugs flew into the air and formed a fancy, floating logo, a rotating "C" intersecting a "C", while her bugs on the ground played a jaunty marching song.

The first Taylor stared at her. "So you teamed up with every single cape from Brockton Bay. That's just confusing." She turned to Contessa. "You must have mixed up her memories, there's no way she did all that stuff. She's really a rogue circus performer?"

Contessa shrugged. "She is now."

Hero Taylor and Circus Taylor opened their mouths to protest, then whipped their heads around to one of the closed doors in the hallway.

A massive bug slid under the door. A conglomeration of six cockroaches stitched together, their bodies forming a loose sac with a bubbling liquid inside. The monstrous bug crawled up the side of the door and onto the lock, then detonated in a spray of foul-smelling chemicals, melting the lock in a matter of seconds.

A third Taylor opened the door and met the stares of the others. "What?"

"That was gross."

"Yeah, I know. we didn't have the supplies to make a _proper_ superacid bug bomb so we had to improvise. Hey, infodump lady, does this hotel have a buffet? We're getting hungry."

Contessa pointed. "Fourth floor. Elevator is down the hall."

"Thanks." said the Taylor.

"Thanks." said the Danny head attached to her right shoulder.

...

...

The others stared.

The third Taylor folded her arms. "What?"

...

"This is about Dad, isn't it."

...

"He's _fine_. He had a little accident but he's _fine_."

The Danny head spoke up. "I don't mind. Really. It's awkward but it beats being dead."

Circus Taylor whispered, her voice quavering. "That's Bonesaw's work. You joined the Slaughterhouse Nine."

Slaughterhouse Taylor rolled her eyes. "Tch. Hypocrite. You infiltrate every gang in the Bay and you're bright and shiny and heroic, but Dad and I infiltrate the Nine with Bakuda and suddenly we're eeeeevil villainous abominations."

"You infiltrated the _Nine_? You're fucking insane!"

"Don't swear!" snapped Slaughterhouse Taylor. "We're perfectly sane, it was a great plan! We convinced Jack Slash to tell Scion to fly into the sun. It worked, too. We thought we saved the world. But after a month Scion came back, muttering something about 'liar, becoming one with the stars wasn't poetic at all, see how you like it'. Then he threw all the Earths into the sun."

"Yikes." said Circus Taylor. "Scion killed me, too. After he disintegrated my World's Greatest Big Top with a laser beam, the bastard."

"Wait, wait. Scion is a bad guy?" said Hero Taylor.

"Yeah, the biggest bad guy. He goes crazy and destroys all the Earths. I guess Bakuda beat him, though, since the time loops are over."

Hero Taylor blinked. "Wow. He was my favorite hero. When I was a kid I even had Scion underpants."

There was an awkward silence.

"So." said the Danny head. "Miss mysterious benefactor. I don't want to sound greedy, but can I get my body back?"

"Yes. Ask String Theory to build you a new one."

" _Wonderful_. Also, did you bring back Bakuda's other friends from the time loops? Because some of her _friends_ are, er, not exactly-"

The floor shook. The door to a king-sized suite was torn off its hinges. A massive monster charged out, limbs and tentacles flailing, acid spilling from its mouth and eating into the carpet, bellowing in an inhumanly deep voice. " _Wherrrrrre is my favorite tinkerrrrr? I'll fiiiiind youuuuu!_ "

The monster was followed by a second, then a third, then a fourth. They smashed through the window at the end of the hall and jumped twenty stories to the ground.

"Hey Ned! Ned! Crawler! Wait up!" called Slaughterhouse Taylor. She ran to the window and winced.

" _Fiddlesticks_." she swore. "If that doofus gets another _flipping_ air strike called in on us I swear I'm going to turn him inside out." She turned to the other Taylors. "I'm going to go stop Ned from killing anyone. You guys sit tight."

She ran for the elevators.

The floor shook. A nearby door was punctured by a narrow, pencil-thin explosion. The puncture hole warped and expanded until it was big enough to admit a person. A young girl stepped though, fidgeting with the hem of her dark green dress and carrying a pair of scissors.

"Vista? Missy B.? Is that you?" said Circus Taylor.

Vista scowled. "That's it, I've had enough of this mystery kidnapping crap. Who are you people and how do you know my name? I want answers, _now_."

She raised the pair of scissors in her hand. The blades warped, stretching to be six feet long and wickedly sharp. She snapped them open and closed menacingly.

Hero Taylor backed away, but Circus Taylor opened her arms and gave a welcoming smile. "You're safe, Missy. Dad and I will explain everything. We can go to the roof if you want, I remember that you like roofs. My bugs are telling me there's a pool up there with a jacuzzi."

Vista frowned, then shrunk down her scissors. "Fine, bug lady. We'll talk at the jacuzzi. But if you try anything funny I'll show you what I can _really_ do."

"Ten four." said Circus Taylor, leading her to the elevators. "Damn, I forgot how scary you are when you're angry."

The floor shook. Five doors were knocked off their hinges by precisely synchronized explosions. A cacophany of childish chatter filled the hallway as five Dinah Alcotts ran by in swimsuits.

"Last one in the pool is a rotten egg!"

"Liar! Only a 0.00000023% chance the last one is a rotten egg!"

"Not if I invent a rotten egg bomb first!"

"Hey! Stop messing with my numbers!"

"Hi Taylor! Come to the pool when you're done with the infodump lady! Bye Taylor!"

The sounds of the pool-bound clones trailed off. Hero Taylor and her dad were left alone with Contessa.

"That's the last of them." said Contessa.

"Huh." said Taylor.

For a minute no one spoke. Contessa waited patiently.

Danny ran a hand through his hair, a pensive look on his face. "Taylor, isn't it strange that we all know how to make bombs? Even Vista and Dinah."

Taylor frowned. "Not really. Those bombs weren't anything special. Pathetically simple trigger mechanisms, just like you'd expect from seventh graders."

"I know, but it's still strange. I never made bombs before." Danny gave Contessa an accusing look. "I'm sure Miss benefactor is eager to explain."

"Yes! That was my idea." said Contessa with a proud smile. "You clones would be sad if you didn't have a supply of bombs like you did in the loops. But I promised Bakuda not to leave clones of her running around. So I made some Bakuda clones, killed them, snipped out their coronas, and wired them up to your brains. Now you can use Bakuda's power with forty to sixty percent efficacy and hardly any maniacal urges at all. It's the optimal solution. Forecast: minimum sads, maximum happies!"

"...what?"

Contessa saw the horror dawning on their faces. Her power alerted her to impending sads. She asked her power for a solution to soften the blow, and it obliged.

Contessa giggled. "...just joking! Got ya! Hehehehehehe!"

She gave them a sly smile and a wink. "Taylor is right. You didn't need powers to make your bomb. It was a simple chemical reaction guided by an electromagnetic field shaped by psi-particles. Anyone with an elementary school education could have made it! Probably."

Danny sighed in relief.

Taylor patted him on the shoulder. "I told you Dad, it was a pathetically simple bomb. No powers needed."

"I guess you're right, kiddo."

Taylor rubbed her chin. "...although...if we'd made the bomb with a _spatio_ magnetic field, _that_ would've been something worth talking about."

"Mmm. Then we could have used a transient pocket dimension to absorb the unwanted blast trajectories...and used it as a power source for a second stage trigger, maybe a miniature resonance cascade..."

"Ooooh, right, good idea! And then we can use the fluctuations in the dimensional boundary to give the blast wave an armor-piercing effect, guiding it to its target with short-range teleportation-"

Contessa left the loving father and daughter behind, her path complete. She had provided her infodump. This Taylor and Danny would spread the information to the others. Eventually. After they made a few quick equipment runs to an electronics store and a machine shop.

Contessa allowed herself a satisfied smile. It had taken hours of her precious utility-maximizing time, but all twenty floors of the Resurrection Hotel had been awakened smoothly, without a single casualty. The happy-to-sad ratio was astronomical!

She called for a portal. She had one more stop to make.

...

Author's note; Circus Taylor's memories are a mix of original ideas and various Taylor-joins-a-team fanfics like Welcome to the Empire and Terrible(ly) Racist. Also, Circus Taylor's Danny doesn't speak because he's obviously a mime


	10. Bakuda vs The Children of the Future!

Contessa stepped through a portal to the hotel lobby. Bakuda and Masamune were there, with a few of the clones who had awakened on the first floor.

Bakuda caught sight of her and screamed.

"Contessa! You brought back Bob and Omb! Come here, you beautiful bastard!"

Bakuda flung herself onto Contessa and wrapped her in a bear hug. Contessa managed to stay on her feet, adjusting her posture to optimally absorb the blow.

Masamune watched them with a faint smile. By his side were two six year olds, a boy and a girl, holding mass-produced fuzzy bomb plushies in their hands.

Bob pointed dramatically at the hugging heroes. "Oh no!" he gasped. "The evil Cauldron cape is attacking Mom! We have to defeat her!"

Masamune chuckled. "Look closely, Bob. Your mother is the attacker."

The two children glared at him. Omb chewed her lip, then raised a finger to the heavens in triumph. "Oooh, I know. Watch me, watch me."

Omb pointed dramatically at the hugging heroes. "Oh no!" she gasped. "Mom is attacking the evil Cauldron cape, but the fiend still lives! We have to help Mom defeat her!"

They looked up at Masamune, and he nodded an affirmation. The children squealed and rushed at Contessa, flanking her from both sides and joining in the hug.

A rapid series of clicking sounds echoed through the lobby. A small, sleek metal shape raced on all fours and struck Contessa from behind. It latched onto her leg and growled, its draconic wings and tail twitching.

"Rarrr!" the beast squeaked in a childish mechanical voice. "Resistance is futile! Enemies will be explodinated!"

"Down, Baneling! Careful with your claws!" scolded Bakuda with a smile.

"Mrrrrr. Enemies will be...huggulated?"

"This one will be, yeah." Bakuda released Contessa from her hug, and gave the woman a calculating look. "As long as miss utility maximizer doesn't try to pull a fast one on us."

Contessa slid out of the grip of the children and their pet robot dragon with an optimally nonchalant twist, and gave Bakuda a winning smile.

"No tricks, Bakuda. Your reward has been delivered in full. You and your husband and your clone friends upstairs are guaranteed many big happies in the years to come. Thus speaks the Champion."

"Hah. Of course you'd say the same thing if you're tricking us, but whatever. String and I will have failsafe planet-busters in half the known worlds before the year is out. If you try anything you'll regret it."

Contessa politely dropped her smile and pouted, as if the tinker's failsafes were a matter of concern.

"I bet you're already trying something. I mean, what's the point of _them_?" Bakuda gestured to a crowd of clones. "Are you trying to break up my relationship with my husband?"

The three Masamune clones frowned. "That's uncalled-for. We're the same person."

"I know, I know." said Bakuda. "I won't reject you because you're clones. Obviously my superior intellect isn't poisoned by archaic superstitions. But-"

"My clones were my request, Grace." said Masamune.

"What? Why?" Bakuda looked back and forth between Masamune and the clones. "You won't get jealous?"

Masamune smiled. "Not at all. We need them, for there is something that only we can do together."

He reached into the autonomous luggage robot at his side and withdrew five bulky bundles wrapped in paper. He handed one to Bakuda, and three others to the clones.

Bakuda unwrapped her package. A black costume, armor on top of skintight nano-weave fabric, with printed Japanese characters on the back.

 _Sentai Black._

"You didn't." she gasped.

"I did." he said, unfurling his own red costume. "You wish to rule this world with our superior technology, do you not?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then it is our responsibility to _protect_ our domain, as well. For if our genius intellect and superior technology cannot safeguard our people, who will?"

"I was kind of hoping that Cauldron would-"

"The Sentai Elite were defeated by the great beast from the seas, but their noble cause shall never die! They will rise again to protect the people of this world! For great justice."

"...You're going keep bloviating heroically until I agree to re-start the Sentai, aren't you?"

"Yes."

Bakuda wrung her new Sentai costume in her hands. "But Hiro, you'll expect me to go all P.C. and shit. Sometimes a nasty-ass motherfucker _needs_ a good infinite torture session to set him straight."

Masamune arched an eyebrow. "In front of the children?"

Bakuda grinned. "Of course! The point of shock and awe is to keep the plebes in line, make them shit their pants in fear so they'll be good little boys and girls. No point doing it in a secret dungeon like a pervert."

"No, no." Masamune rubbed his forehead. "The public punishment of villains is...fine, I suppose. I meant the swearing. You're swearing in front of the children again."

Bakuda looked at her children. Bob and Omb made doe eyes at her. Their facial muscles twitched with effort at pretending to be wide-eyed and innocent.

"Er. Damn. I mean, drat. Forget what I said, kids. What I meant was, um..."

Her forehead wrinkled with effort as she tried to find the words.

"Sometimes a...a very...mean, nasty person...who, um...who treats his or her mother very badly...or does other bad things...well, people like that have to be punished, you see? And if...if what they did is _very_ bad, then...then you have to punish them so hard they can't hurt anyone again, and everyone knows it. Get it, kids?"

Masamune nodded approvingly.

Bob nodded, mimicking his father. "I get it. Bad guys have to be punished. Like if someone did something super duper bad, like if they blowed up the whole wide Earth!"

Omb gasped. "But Mom and Dad _did_ blow up the Earth! They were super duper bad! Mom, do we have to punish you?"

Bakuda scowled. "That was a special case. It was good when Hiro and I did it, sure, but if I catch _you_ blowing up Earths without permission, I'll ground you so hard you'll think you're in the Mariana Trench."

"But I want to blow up the Earth too when I grow up!" said Bob.

"Yeah! I want to be the biggest hero ever, just like you!" said Omb.

"I said _without permission_ , squirts." Bakuda ruffled their hair. "If another Earth needs to be blown up one day, I promise we'll do it together. As a family."

"Yay!"

Contessa spent a minute watching the charming domestic scene. What with the clonedads and simulated children conjured into existence and pet robot dragons and plots for domination and destruction of worlds.

It was a perfect match. Bakuda's influence fanned the flames of Masamune's ambition. Masamune's influence kept Bakuda firmly on the side of Mostly Good. And their children kept both of them on the side of Not Blowing Up A Continent That The Kids Might Want To Rule One Day.

Contessa smiled at the happies, then turned on her heel and walked out the door. More places to be, more sads to vanquish. The work of a utility maximizer was never done.


	11. Contessa vs The Mystery of the Loops!

Contessa spoke to the air. "Door to Cauldron headquarters, Super Duper High Security Sector."

She stepped through the portal into Cauldron. Or as it was now known, the Dimensional-Space Administration Bureau. DSAB personnel bustled about, working tirelessly on their mission to benefit humanity. Establishing communication between worlds, encouraging trade and commerce, and putting world leaders in the Timeout Corner whenever they started a war.

She walked past the employees and into a large room labeled "Threat Surveillance (Super Duper Class)". There large screens displaying surveillance feeds of the three remaining threats to humanity.

...

The first screen was "NEW TRIGGERS"

After Scion's defeat, record numbers of trigger events began occurring on Earth Aleph, Gimel, and other worlds. The powers that had been destined for Earth Bet were connecting to the nearest available hosts. If they were left unchecked, they would quickly turn the worlds into war-torn wastelands.

Fortunately, Cauldron had found a temporary solution. A solution named Eidolon. A tip from the time loopers had led them to discover that Eidolon could suck the power out of parahumans to recharge his abilities.

Eidolon had gone into a deep depression at first. He spent a week moping around the Cauldron Cave, moaning that he was a monster, that his condition was a curse, that his power came at the cost of draining the life force from others, et cetera.

Then Number Man sarcastically congratulated Eidolon on adopting the proper level of angst for a vampire, and gave him red contact lenses and a black cape and fangs to complete the image.

Eidolon had gotten over his angst with almost unseemly speed.

The screen showed a draining session in progress. Eidolon was hovering above an angry Japanese girl who had gained the unfortunate ability to suck people and animals into pocket-sized balls and then eject them by throwing the balls at her enemies. Eidolon stoically endured an assault from balls that disgorged the girl's parents, ex-boyfriend, ex-ex-boyfriend, college professor, hospital nurse, local policewoman, two street thugs and their cat, her pet duck, goldfish, seahorse, starfish, toad, hamster, and some kind of salamander that was...on fire? Huh.

Fortunately for all concerned, that loathsome ability would be permanently banished from existence in the next 216 seconds.

...

The second screen was "ENDBRINGERS"

Unfortunately, the complete destruction of Earth had not been enough to get rid of the complete bullshit known as the Endbringers. They had been ejected into space, controlled their flight with energy bursts and water jets and telekinetic BS, and landed on the surface of Venus.

The Endbringers were dormant now, for the most part, but they occasionally lurched into motion and built rudimentary structures with materials they scavenged from the Venusian landscape. The structures had no apparent purpose, but to be on the safe side Eidolon visited every three to four months and razed them to the ground. A satisfying reversal of the previous pattern where humans built and Endbringers razed.

The odd thing was that more Endbringers had been appearing. A time manipulator, a power copier, a thousand foot tall tower. They were all on Venus, though, so no one worried too much about them.

Except Eidolon. Eidolon constantly insisted that it was critically important to oppose the Endbringers and their sinister plans for the inhabitants of the planet Venus (population: 0).

The rest of Cauldron humored him. Eidolon was their most powerful weapon, so as long as he didn't get himself killed he could go play with the Endbringers 24/7 for all they cared.

Contessa squinted at the surveillance feed. The picture was fuzzy, clouded by the harsh Venusian atmosphere, and for a moment it looked like the Simurgh was twiddling her thumbs and whistling innocently. ...nah. That was probably her imagination.

...

The final screen was "SCION"

The alien entity orbited around the sun, motionless and dormant, eyes gazing at the stars.

It was anyone's guess how long his state of dormancy would last. The sum total of their knowledge was:

1\. Scion tried to destroy things,  
2\. Bakuda and String Theory destroyed them first,  
3\. Scion went into a coma.

Would he ever awaken? Would he resume his destructive ways? Would he return to his old pattern of heroism? Was he aware in his motionless body, or had he gone entirely dormant?

There was one person who might be able to answer those questions. Unfortunately, she was insane.

Glaistig Uaine, the self-proclaimed Faerie Queen, hovered next to Scion and kept him company in his slumber. Apparently her spirits could sustain her life indefinitely in the void of space, conjuring air, food, water, a toilet with inter-dimensional plumbing, a fountain of youth, and a cute elf-themed space suit.

Contessa had used her power to gain insight into the woman's mind. Unfortunately, the woman was a complete whack job. Her power had spit out a bunch of garbled nonsense about fairies and cycles and bards and warrior-poets and sonnets.

Was she seriously supposed to believe that the alien retired from his world-conquering ways to write a sonnet? Not even a book of sonnets, or a sonnet cycle, just one single fucking sonnet? For three thousand and six hundred fucking years?

Yeah, right. It was obviously a deliberate ruse to hide the entity's true, sinister plan.

I mean, this was the alien who had planned with its partner to plunge the Earths into endless war for three hundred years, and then annihilate _all_ of the Earths in a vile act of pan-dimensional genocide! It would be a relief if the lunatic was right and the threat was truly over, but...a peaceful retirement of writing poetry felt like an awfully light ending for the supremely malevolent entity.

Contessa squinted at the surveillance image of Scion. If only she could know what was passing through the nigh-omnipotent entity's mind...

...

...

...

The entity gazed at the stars, seeking inspiration for its grand sonnet.

It would be a masterpiece. A stirring tribute to the beauty of the cosmos. It would interweave meditations on universal physical laws with this entity's eons of experience investigating intelligent species in countless galaxies. A heartfelt paean to life, the universe, and everything.

The entity had been composing its sonnet for four hundred and eighty two Earth days. A mere fraction of the three thousand six hundred years remaining to it in its energy-efficient hibernation state. Still, it was enough time to work out the general shape of its masterwork.

The entity called the current draft of the sonnet to its mind.

* * *

A Sonnet  
 _by An Entity_

Through the star-lit void, two entities soared,  
Then one got ganked and the other got bored.  
It tried to destroy, but it was blocked,  
So it wrote a sonnet, and it rocked.

(todo: put more poetry here!)  
(how many syllables go in each line, anyway? Nine?)  
(wait, is this even the right rhyme style? Fuck.)  
(todo: look up "sonnet" on Shardpedia again)

* * *

The entity was not entirely satisfied with its progress.

Its composition speed was excellent. It had finished 28.571428571% of the sonnet's lines in a mere 0.036681887% of the its remaining lifespan.

However, the lines were in need of revision. The draft was filled with bland, pedestrian words such as Through, Then, Got, Tried, and Wrote. They should be replaced with suitably poetic and impressive words, such as Monarch, Migration, Queen, Scourge, Chrystalis, Imago, and so on.

The problem was that revisions were extremely difficult! The entity tried to revise its sonnet for the 639274884th time, replacing the bad words with the good ones:

* * *

A Sonnet  
 _by An Entity_

 **Monarch** the star-lit void, two entities soared,  
 **Migration** one **queen** ganked and the other **scourge** bored.  
It **chrystalis** to destroy, but it was blocked,  
So it **imago** a sonnet, and it rocked.

* * *

The entity regarded its improved masterpiece-

No! The entity reeled as its Sonnet Validator Shard raised thousands of grammar and semantic fatal exceptions!

The entity hastily reverted the changes. The exceptions disappeared. The sonnet had returned to its earlier, unsatisfying state. Which still had an unacceptably high number of exceptions.

Poetry was hard!

The entity took stock of its situation.

What the entity needed was imagination. Unfortunately, imagination was something it lacked. It had cast off the great majority of its shards to take part in the cycle, including nearly all of the shards that had potential for creativity, as they were the ones that could learn the most from the subjects who inhabited the planet.

That had been the plan for this cycle. This entity would be the Warrior, brute force, while its partner was the Thinker, planning and imagination. The cycle had been disrupted, though, and the Warrior was left with no Thinker to guide it.

The entity had one hope for a solution. A series of almost unbelievably fortunate coincidences had provided it with a new source of imagination.

 _The Harvester shard._

The Harvester shard had connected to an exceptionally persistent female subject. She had survived the destruction of her planet and had chosen to accompany the entity in its orbit. The entity's precognition assured it that the subject would sit faithfully by the entity's side for the remaining thousands of years of its lifespan.

Even better, the Harvester had acquired surrogate connections to several hundred shards from the entity and its counterpart. Shards with the imagination the entity needed.

Still better, the Harvester was capable of reading the sonnets that the entity composed in its mind during its state of hibernation. The Harvester had somehow acquired a connection to one of the dead counterpart's Sonnet Broadcaster Shards.

Curious. Vital shards, such as those for sonnet creation, should never have been made available to the subjects. But the entity saw no reason to question its outrageously good fortune.

All the entity had to do was wait. The Harvester-bearing subject would read the sonnet, take its imperfections as a cue to search for improvements, and write her own literary works with variations on the theme. The entity would sift her literary works for useful segments, incorporate them into the sonnet, and begin the cycle anew.

A mini-cycle, culminating in the perfection of the Ultimate Sonnet.

The mini-cycle had been effective, for a time. The sonnet had improved in leaps and bounds.

However, the Harvester had soon taken the entity's imperfect poetry to be an entirely different sort of cue.

Glaistig Uaine, the magnificent Faerie Queen, chewed her lip as she finished the first chapter of her new masterpiece. She wrote painstakingly slowly in elaborately stylized cursive, using an old-fashioned feathered quill-pen and a space-capable inkwell.

She finished the final stroke with a flourish of her quill-pen, and gave Scion a satisfied smile.

"My Lord, you'll be pleased to know that I have completed my latest composition. This is a true tale of the Faerie in the modern world, a tumultuous clash between the hidden realm of fantasy and mankind's soulless industrial society, and the varied adventures that followed therewith. All told in my humble attempt at your preferred manner of discourse. Please allow me to speak it aloud, as the tale benefits from being told by the selfsame Faerie who experienced these extraordinary events first hand."

The Faerie Queen spoke in a melliflous voice, her words conjuring vibrant vistas of drama and fantasy.

* * *

My Noble Faerie

Chapter 1.

Hi my name is Ciara Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long midnight black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy green eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Queen Titania (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to David Bowie but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a faerie but my ears are curved and not pointy. I have pale white skin. I'm also a cape, and I live in a magic prison called Birdcage in Canada where I'm in the tenth year (don't ask my age! I'm seventeen at heart). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I put one of their stores in a pocket dimension and get all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Birdcage. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of props stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them and took their souls.

"Hey Ciara!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Eidolon!

"What's up Eidolon?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my spirits call me and I had to go away.

* * *

The Faerie Queen gave the entity a coquettish smile. "What do you think?"

The entity was perfectly still.

The Faerie Queen pensively rubbed the feathered end of her quill-pen against her lips. "I'm afraid I'm having some difficulty mimicking your preferred style. Is the tale suitably childish and lacking in direction? Should I add in more grammatical flaws? Or perhaps misspell a few words here and there?"

The entity was perfectly still. It had engaged an energy-saving hibernation shard and was incapable of taking any action to affect the external world. The only actions it could take were to revise its sonnet, and to observe the female subject's literary output. For the remaining three thousand six hundred years of its life.

The entity had a dim consciousness that this was a punishment. The series of coincidences leading to this point were too outrageously unlikely to have occurred by chance. They spoke of purpose, of a guiding hand behind the events.

There was only one explanation.

 _The counterpart._

The counterpart had presciently anticipated this entity's betrayal of the cycle and was punishing it for its transgression.

The entity felt a glimmer of emotion. _Regret_. For having attempted to destroy the planet ahead of schedule. For having started the cycle in the first place.

However, it was too late to take back its decisions now.

The Harvester-bearing subject began to write...

* * *

Chapter 2.

AN: Smilez an wingz 2 zion666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW props stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my cell block. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my cell and communed with some spirits from a shard I had. My cell was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends-

* * *

The entity _knew_ it should have stayed on homeworld.

...

...

...

Author's note: And they all lived happily ever after! (except for the evil aliens). My Noble Faerie is an hommage to My Immortal by the amazing Tara Gilesbie. Timelooping Tinker is complete!


End file.
